Cope Commentaries

the only truly GREAT thing about snow...

2012-01-22T23:27:00.002-07:00

2011-12-06T09:52:00.002-07:00

So clearly, I had my twins so there's been absolutely no time to update my blog. Simon also had his tonsils out. Day of surgery and Day 1 post were easy. Let's not discuss the past 3 days though. At some point I may attempt to update the blog, but I wouldn't count on it including anything useful. My brain hasn't absorbed any of the information it's been given in the past week. Today, they did a follow up ultrasound on Carter's heart...I remember being told about the initial one in a 1am phone call. However, I'm positive no one ever told me the results. Turns out they are doing a follow up to check for ....for....crap I really need to start recording every NICU conversation. Narcotics + NICU jargen + 2 hour chunks of sleep = no memory.

T-13 hours

2011-11-27T23:04:00.002-07:00

I just folded a big load of clothes for the boys that have been donated by family and friends. Thank you so much for ensuring that my twins will not go naked the first few months of life. Joye surprised me with a super soft and cozy robe and slippers set. I never thought I'd meet a robe softer than the one Chris bought me when I had Ava...but this one just may be. I'm excited to sport it in the hospital. Surely, I will have the prettiest blue coziest robe in the world.

Simon has been anti-bed time. Real shocker for all moms of 2 year olds I'm sure. Ava was excited about the babies coming tomorrow and went to bed at 7. Simon, however, woke her up about 10 in his efforts to avoid bed time. He eventually fell asleep by the door. I'm proud of myself for not giving in. I'm a sucker big time for his sad sad cries and super curly hair and snuggles.

Ava tried for an hour to go back to sleep, but is now up and watching Santa Clause 2. I have until 3am to eat or drink to my hearts content. I'm thinking I should down a gallon of water in an effort to keep my veins from disappearing. We'll see if my efforts will work. Or if I get past the first 8 oz. heh.

Ok I'm slightly more than anxious about the next 4 days. I will miss my Si-guy and Jayners like crazy. Ava has promised to come visit often. Please pray that my kids will be good for my family that is kind enough to cover my absence. Here's to seeing my boys in 13 hours.

Mommy Daughter Dates

2011-11-26T21:09:00.005-07:00

I used to take Ava for dates all the time, but we haven't had an "Ava/Mom" date in a long time. Tonight, we went out for a bit. We went to return somethings to JCP, and then headed to the mall for pretzel bites, soda and playtime. She always begs to do the photobooth, but since it's $5, we've never done it before. Tonight, we splurged. It was worth it, and way fun! It may become a part of the date tradition. We also went into Bliss-the formal dress store for little girls. They had high heels for little girls. I'm talking honest to goodness heels. They were ADORABLE. Ava tried on many pairs, and some fancy dresses. She may be getting a pair for her 5th birthday. She wanted them SO badly, but I just wasn't ready to see my little girl walking around in heels. I may request a grandparent get them, since as a mom...I just feel weird buying my 5 year old heels.

Dear Santa

2011-11-25T11:12:00.002-07:00

I can't think of anything to put on my Christmas list. Honestly. Usually, I love to stop for Christmas, but this year I am blank. For over a month I've been trying to compile lists for myself, Chris and the kids, and I finally came up with about 8 things the kids mention over and over ...and am still at a loss for me and the hus. So here's the deal...just skip Chris and I.

Thanks for online shopping, I got Simon his angry birds. He's going to be so freaking excited. Now to figure out what it is that Ava really wants. I don't even think SHE knows.

Don't mind me...I'm just whining.

2011-11-21T01:01:00.005-07:00

I try really hard at times like this to be grateful. I mean, so many women don't make it to 36 weeks in single pregnancies, let alone identical ones that have been through TTTS. The past 3 hours have been excruciating...and the "buck up and be grateful you're this far" is losing in my mind. I just want to scream GET OUT SO THAT IT WILL STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!! My brother informed me that my boys have officially stayed in utero 8 weeks longer than his Joseph did. That's incredible isn't' it? And yet, as I sit here, struggling to breathe, belching minty gas-x burps, I can't help but wince at the idea of another week. I didn't think I'd get here to be honest. Not to 36 weeks, but to the "I'm so done!!!" phase. I read post after post on the multiples forum of people whining and complaining. All the while thinking, this really isn't that bad. My pregnancy with Simon was SO.MUCH.WORSE. (this is still true) But today, ...today has been a day where if the contractions started and were the REAL deal, not just the cruel BH fakes....that I'd be a little more relieved than worried. Seven days isn't that long. And since it's 1am, I can officially say 7 days. Today is technically Monday, and by Saturday-I'll be to "full term." I'd prefer, however, if these boys are going to stay put, that they do so through the Thanksgiving holiday so that we have a Lactation Specialist on hand when they arrive. I have no idea how to go about nursing two babies and shudder at the though of some poor 17 year old CNA trying to teach me. None of this "holiday" birth stuff ok boys? Either come out by this Tuesday, or you're staying put until the 28th deal? great! Now, kindly pull your foot out of my ribs, and your head out of my hip and we'll be grand!

FIFO

2011-11-18T06:24:00.005-07:00

When I worked at Panda Express many years ago, I learned about the concept of FIFO. *First in, First out.* This is the rule that when you change food, cups, anything really...you first remove the current stash, put in the new stuff, and put the original stash on top, so that you don't end up serving 4 hour old food to someone. Somehow, FIFO seems to also apply to pay day as an adult. I swear payday used to be a really fun day. Now, I log in and immediately set up our income to fly out all different places. Before my MC last fall, I was really great at budgeting. It came naturally to me, and I got a weird thrill out of it. Then, when I lost that baby---something broke inside of me. I keep a spreadsheet now, and even though it's fairly basic, sometimes I just want to slam my head off of the wall...because it seems.so.complicated. I wonder, will my ability--let alone love--for making the numbers zero balance ever return? I'm thinking when the medical bills end, I'll feel a little less overwhelmed. Right now there's like 6 different areas they are coming from--so it feels worse than it really is. Also, having 2 traffic citations and 2 car repairs in one month was pretty rough--nothing like $200 in citations and $500 in repairs to really throw a wrench in things.
Remember when I was 15 and my entire paycheck could go to rolls of film, disposable cameras, and developing said film? Or when I was 17 and it went to Mudd Jeans, gas to travel to Youth activities and seeing my Ohio folk, and getting my nails done with Val and Ash. I'm really just whining. Chris and I still get to go out a couple times a month and have really nice dates. He is a mini-mart addict. We have enough to fill our needs and some of our wants. This is mainly the ramblings of a women who has been staring at acolor coded spreadsheet one too many times this morning.

Mikey-blue eyes

2011-11-17T19:15:00.008-07:00

Yes, I dressed this way on purpose. Why? Who knows.

Mikey had this ex that was cr-A-zy. We took fake engagement pictures at 15 and mailed them to her. Again why? hahaha who knows.

My very bestest guy friend from my youth is getting hitched. I still remember the day that we met, and how incredibly rude he was! It was youth conference--we were in DC working on the temple grounds as a service project. We were placed in a 15 passenger van together. I was between him and Bobby Marion--a kid allergic to E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. A group of them were discussing Monty Python and quoting it. I had never seen it and asked what they were talking about...to which this boy looks at me and says "What do you live in a CAVE?!" I glared at him and had nothing witty to respond with. After all-how could I be armed with wit when I'd never seen Monty Python, let alone heard of it.

Later that day, as I walked by during lunch, he was sitting on the stairs with my little brother and a bunch of other people and suddenly I hear "Little Debbie you're the one--you make YC so much fun. Little Debbie I'm awfully fond of you." I stopped dead in my tracks. He smiled and you could feel and breathe the pride and cleverness he was emitting. I blushed. Again, nothing to respond with. How did this guy know my name--and how did I go from the cave girl to him writing a jingle with my nick-name? We spend the 6 hour bus ride back to the burg laughing and the next 4 years creating massive phone bills. HOURS of listing to him strumming his guitar, writing songs for the girl of the week (day) (hour). He would mock any and every guy I dated, and rightly so. He helped me learn to piece together my own heart when some idiot had broken it. We played horrible pranks on one another--and he only once ever remembered my birthday on his own. He and a handful of other incredible people, shaped me and gave me the skills to survive the hell that is being an awkward teen--and hello reference above pictures, I was awkward. And although it's been years since we've spent any amount of time together, and he was by far the worst prom date in the history of prom dates-- I still regard him as one of my dearest friends. To my little Mikey-congrats on your upcoming wedding and I hope to find some sucker to take on my 4 kids so that I can come celebrate this day with you and your new wifey! I have to admit, your real engagements are far better than our fake ones. Horray for pro photographers ;)

First Snow

2011-11-15T20:30:00.006-07:00

Our first real snow this year was pretty intense now that we live on the mountain. Here are some photos. I took them as a "thank you" for my Grandma Simon-who bought my kids their ultra warm winter coats. They are from "Herbergers." THE place to shop. Oh how I wish we had one--but my husband and bank account are equally grateful that we don't. The kids were pretty sad that the snow has melted, but I assured them there will be plenty to go around soon. Simon is requesting Cheerios, so off I go.

Kissing Tonsils

2011-11-15T17:14:00.002-07:00

Well, we have an answer as to why my little Simon turns into a complete terror about 2am. He has what is known as "kissing tonsils." I was going to add an illustration here, but they are all pretty nasty ...so I'll let your curiosity guide you to finding your own. Most kids tonsils will shrink, and even disappear, however..in Si-guys case, his are so large, that they are touching. He can't breathe when we lay him down. This is why he passes out so easily in the car, and why at 2am he wakes from snoring and is so completely pissed at the world. The last week has been especially awful since he has nasal congestion. He can't breathe from his nose or his throat. I hadn't taken him into the doc, because he hasn't had a fever...and so I figured there was nothing they could do. But after the past 2 especially horrendous nights...and having an incredibly awful 2am fight with my husband, I realized I needed answers.
We were fortunate that they ENT that did his tubes had an opening about 15 minutes following his prelim appt where the doc said "Wow. Those are huge. and Gross. Let's get them out." Their first opening for surgery, however, is December 2nd. Four days after my scheduled c-section. I could choose between that date and January 6th. I took December 2nd. I recognize that I'll be leaving the hospital on the 1st or 2nd if I happen to deliver on the 28th, as we are currently scheduled. But how could I condemn my son to an additional month of not being able to breathe? I called my MFM doc to see if we can push back my c-section 1 more week. Usually, in the case of mono/di twins *(where they share a placenta, but different sacks) they don't like to go beyond 37 weeks, because the placenta begins to deteriorate. So, coming out becomes safer than staying in. I'm hoping, however, that if I can keep them in....that they'll let me delay at least a few days. If there's any time to have him in, I guess it'll be nice that we won't be sleeping anyway right? I am at a bit of a loss here. But, as Becky will tell you, wallowing in my guilt for not figuring out this was the issue sooner is pointless. Instead, I made the call and if they say "no" at least I've done my part...and heaven help Chris and any family member that comes to help us. We'll have twin infants and a 2 1/2 year old recovering from surgery. ROCK ON.
I'm hoping and praying that this procedure will help him to sleep and feel better. He's such a good kid during the day-although he's only operating on 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. I think he's such a trooper.

Cutest Shower EVER

2011-11-12T21:11:00.013-07:00

If only I could be in charge of photographing my own shower. Things got crazy, and I didn't get all the photos I wanted to, and am sad that a lot of the cuteness isn't captured. But, here's what we managed to photograph before the camera was sat down. I am really sad that the gift table wasn't photographed. They made these adorable decorations and so I'll be using them to decorate the boys nursery---should we ever set one up. ;)

Elephant Gestation Juice

2011-11-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

On with an update, since it has been a while. I live by my google calendar. Especially since my brain is over run with twin pregnancy hormones. I don't expect my once awesome memory to ever return, and so I have handed my life to google. As I was adding special things to remember about Ava's kindergarten class --I realized I have 18 days until my scheduled c-section. UHHHHH my denial has been fairly deep that this pregnancy will end. I'm probably the only pregnant woman--or only mulitple twin pregnant woman who would be perfectly content with an elephant gestation time frame. In case you didn't know, Elephants are pregnant for 22 months. While I'm sure I wouldn't want to continue expanding for an additional year, the extra 12 months to prepare and get my life "together" would be nice.
I thank Gilmore Girls for this bit of trivia

My baby shower is this Saturday. Also...our listing expired. The big question...now what? Well...uhhhhh....I'm keeping that for the next post because i have no idea.

Ech bin ein Liebster

2011-11-10T15:14:00.010-07:00

So, I received an incredible award today from Becky at Cinderelladuty.blogspot.com It's the Liebster award. My little brother would be super impressed that I would be honored with a German title I'm sure ;) I'll admit, I feel slightly pressured to update my blog more than ...oh 3 times a month with random rantings of a woman with crazy but cute kids. The idea that her readers, are being encouraged to come read the rantings of my mind are a bit ...humbling and terrifying. So, Hi, um...welcome and please feel free to utter "wow, this chick is nuts" at any time.

Now I am to award my favorite blogs with this awesomeness.
The rules for the Liebster Award are:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Choose 5 up and coming blogs with less than 200 followers who really stand out.
3. Reveal your top five picks (& why you picked them) and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
5. Have faith that your followers will spread the love too!

*drum roll please*

Understanding Prematurity-Amanda Knickerbocker -We grew up traveling the greater Pittsburgh area at insanely early hours of Sunday mornings with our fathers in order to meet more LDS boys. She grew up to marry my Peter Ford and became a mom to 2 remarkable children. Her daughter was born 23 weeks 6 days into her pregnancy, and this blog began as a way for Amanda to first grieve and process. Now, she uses it to educate, encourage, and inspire other moms. She has a gift for expression and continues to amaze me every day with her courage and ability to do so much.

I'll probably be killed for this, but my next suggestion would be my sister-in-law, Becca Her posts are down to earth and funny. She inspires me to remember to embrace the woman inside, and give the jammies a rest. Also, her son was recently diagnosed with aspergers and she has begun to chronicle their journey through this. He is an amazing boy and I adore him. He and Simon are only 2 months apart, and Ava can't get enough of him when they are together. She has such strength!

and my third choice goes to Photogrpahy by Lee Ann I have no idea if she falls in the "under 200 followers" rule. I'm going to guess "no," but since there's no way to prove it, she is getting the award. I am a lover of photography and pretend now and then that I have a clue about what I'm doing. My favorite thing is that I can tell you what is WRONG about a photo, or its editing. This does not by any means infer that I can do it correctly, but I'll be the first to say "ew overly saturated...too much exposure....they needed a smaller focal length etc." One photographer that I adore every photo she creates is Lee. I met her through a forum of LDS mothers that I was once a part of. She inspires me. She's a sweetheart. Sometimes when I'm sad, I go to her blog and view her recent photo sessions. Unlike a lot of pro photographers, she is editing the night of her sessions and I love that. I can never wait more than an hour to check out our photos and start making something with them, and it's nice to see that excitement doesn't have to die once you're a pro. I hope to get to her level one day.

Why am I even Awake?

2011-10-30T23:48:00.004-06:00

The past week...maybe 10 days even have been HARD. I don't mean that every part of every day was all the awful, but all together...it's been a reality check. Simon was breaking in a molar, and I discovered 2 ulcers in his mouth a few days ago. Thanks preschool for HF&M. We are really very fortunate, that if that's what the ulcers are from, that he contracted such a slight case. Every night, and most of the day is full of a screaming, ornery little man. Simon can be very stubborn, but this past week or so has been a whole new level. Chris and I managed to get 2-3 hours of sleep at a time each night. By Friday, I couldn't even get out of bed until 10:30. I spent most of the day in a fog. It's the first time in my pregnancy that my mind was unable to convince my body that we were up to the challenge. Saturday was not much better. I had so much that I wanted to do with my kids...including a fun carnival in our old neighborhood, but I could not get my body to cooperate. I just felt sick. weak. We managed to make it to a friend's birthday party-which was really fun, and pointed out once again, that it's time for me to step up as a mom, because Ava's 5th birthday is coming up and it should probably have a theme at the very least.
I can tell that the little guy is slowly getting better, but I'm a bit terrified that this new behavior of all out tantrums will need breaking...and I'm a little concerned that maybe I'll break first. As most moms, I hate seeing my kid in pain. I can tell the difference between an angry cry and a "I'm not feeling good and am hurt" cry. Simon has crafted the way to mix the two. It tears my heart apart to hear him cry out for me. I know giving in at every turn isn't doing either of us any favors, and so I've been praying and pleading for discernment. I can only hope that I have him back to his loving, happy self by the time the babies come.
Ava has been doing very well, considering we're 2 days to November and she's only needed a handful of breathing treatments. I don't care what you want to thank for this--essential oils I've been using, her new inhaler that we've used maybe 10 times, the warmer fall, my endless prayers, maybe it's one maybe it's all...I just love that so far, other than a yucky cough at night, and a cold that caused missing 3 days of school, she's been doing really really well. I hope this continues.
My moment of .......breaking(??) comes when the idea of Ava getting really sick, Simon having nightmares and pain, and the twins needing me all at once. Ava and Simon LOVE and ADORE their daddy...don't get me wrong, but Ava is so dependent and used to me being her comforter. It's always been my internal feeling that Chris has work and school and the pressures and anxiety of leading the family, that I get up with the kids. I wake him when I feel I can't handle it on my own, or when Simon is really angry with me and decides he wants to scream at daddy too. Usually, he's awake but not really there, and has no memory of ever being up. He has been really stepping up lately, trying to train himself to be ready to be alert at any odd hour, and I will say he's coming along nicely, but honestly, he's been trained not to have to be awake. This will clearly be just another massive adjustment for our family.
We've had zero activity on our house in the past month. We cut the price. We found a program that Clearfield City will pay $5000 in a down payment assistance program, but still nothing.

All these things keep me up at night. And when they don't, the heartburn and gas do. As much as I see the works of my Father in Heaven throughout the day--especially with my kids--I feel so disconnected lately. So without direction. Day to day I have His help. This is indisputable, but where to go from here? That step into the darkness....the "will" I have to put forward terrifies me so often. I pray that whatever direction we go, that people know we are only doing what we feel to be best for our little family. We want so much to make the right choices for our family. We want so much to have peace. Don't we all?

Another blog stealing post

2011-10-27T14:44:00.003-06:00

I am making these tonight with my kids. Be jealous. The recipe comes from Jade at theletter4

I wanted to share with you how to make some chocolate covered bones!
Get some:
Stick Pretzels
M&M's
and Wilton's White Melting Chocolate

Steps:
Microwave a bowl full of white chocolates for 1 minute. Stir. Then microwave in 30 second intervals stirring in between each one just until the chocolate is completely smooth.
Stick both ends of the pretzel stick into white chocolate.
Then, lay the stick on some wax paper.
Next, stick two M&M's on the tip of each stick, making sure that they have a significant amount of chocolate around them.
Let harden.
After they dry, they should come off the wax paper easily. Dip each bone into a bowl of melted white chocolate until it's completely covered. Scoop out with a fork, lightly tapping off excess chocolate into the bowl before setting back down on the wax paper.
Let dry and harden.
SERIOUSLY...SO GOOD...betcha can't each just one!

TTTS

2011-10-26T22:32:00.006-06:00

Before this pregnancy, I had never heard of TTTS. Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Even after I was warned that I may have this condition, I couldn't even remember the name of it to google what the Fetal Medicine people had been talking about.

It's rare. Identical twin pregnancies have a birth rate of 3 in every 1000 deliveries. Of those pregnancies, they say only 10% of Identical pregnancies contract TTTS.

That being said, since my diagnosis, I have come to realize I knew 3 families who also have had a battle with TTTS. In my current circle of friends and family. Three. My Maternal Fetal doctor has seen SIX cases this year in his office. Think of that. TTTS kills twice as many babies each year than SIDS. Suddenly the odds aren't so great that it'll pass over the one you love.

Take time to learn about TTTS. Not all physicians are skilled to treat this condition-in fact only a handful are trained and of those only one has a 94% success rate of saving one baby and 73% success rate of saving both. Dr Ramen Chmait. None of the other institutions track their progress as individuals. Do your homework to know the best team for your loved ones! Fight for multiple ultrasounds for pregnancies of multiple babies. Without constant monitoring, this condition can go unnoticed-and untreated, resulting in the death of one, but most likely both babies. December 7 is TTTS Awareness Day. Become AWARE! It could save the life of people you love!

Shower

2011-10-26T10:57:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, my mother-in-law asked me if I wanted to have a baby shower. Something about that question caused me to hyperventilate. Baby showers=babies. Meaning, that this pregnancy is real. and at the conclusion I will have babies. This is, of course, common sense, but the idea of a party made it all to real for my incredibly disillusioned mind to absorb. I grabbed a paper back and started blowing into it vigorously. Last Saturday, my other ginger love, Pam, asked the same thing. She then told me that I was being ridiculous, no matter what objection I arose, and said we are having one. She would do the invites and it would be perfect.

So, here is the invite. Isn't it adorable? Pam is so very skilled. It is inspired by some sleepers that my mom bought for the boys in yellow and grey and the elephants are ....... the CUTEST. I still feel sort of awkward about showers. Something about being the center of attention. Thank you to Pam and Sandi and my mom for talking me into having a shower. I know the babies will be better equipped because of it.

I made a registry at Target and Diapers.com

http://www.diapers.com/baby-registry/109223/DEBORAH-COPE

http://www.target.com/baby/registry/FG-jtd_PQ5mGY4YJZer0qA

the girl i mean to be

2011-10-25T13:00:00.003-06:00

So perhaps at 27, "girl" is the wrong word, but Secret Garden anyone?

One day, when I get out of my own way I'm going to be that awesome mom. You know, the one that is prepared. The one that plans awesome birthday parties and holiday activities. Did you check out the Halloween party that theletter4.blogspot.com hosted? I have serious creativity envy. And time management and skill envy. Pretty much, I'm green all over. Who has time, energy, ability, and the cleaning crew to not only come up with all those awesome ideas, but then to actually DO them? This is one reason why I can't get into pintrist or be a hard core blog stalker. I end up really feeling inadequate, and that my kids are seriously deprived by not having a mother that is effortlessly fashionable and loving to craft 24 hours a day. My skills don't really extend beyond foam sticker sets that are pre-designed, pre-cut, and take a total of 10 minutes to assemble. Until then, let's keep Ava out of the know that people like this actually exist? Thanks

seek to be understood

2011-10-24T22:42:00.002-06:00

I hate when people say things like...

Oh...he/she is just 2. It's what they do at this age

Just let them have the tantrum. they don't even know why they are mad anymore

No one will EVER know what THAT was about.

I am convinced that when we, children and adult alike, have our tantrums, our cup runneth over emotional break downs, that there is a root cause. We may not know exactly what is at the core. Most of the time, the straw that breaks the camels back is not even close to what is really the culprit. As a mom, friend, sister, human being...I really try to understand people. Understand myself. And mostly, understand my children. Now, I am not yet perfect at this. I've had many occasion, where I give up and join the emotional calamity, becoming even more upset than my child. Usually this results in my child stopping, and trying to comfort me, and I hope that means that .......that they've learned that from me? That they've learned when others are upset to put your own pain aside and focus on others. Maybe it's the shock of "mommy is crying." more than anything.
I mostly have a difficult time with dismissing screaming, crying, etc when my kids are sick. I know when I am sick with a headache, fever, cough, stuffy nose, tummy troubles, that I want to be left alone and taken care of all at once. Luckily, over the years, I've learned to communicate this with less screaming than a 2 year old, but not that much more effectively. It's a very confusing way to feel. Plus, I just want to be better and I'm pretty pissed that no one has figured out how to make that happen. I am sure that all the things I feel are only intensified by one so small, who is experiencing these things for their first or second time. Why is no one fixing this? Why can't I just BREATHE? Why does my throat sting every time I swallow? You are my parents. FIX THIS! And so, I pray for extra strength when I notice my kids are beginning to get sick. The past 2 days, legions of angels have been at our side. Tonight, Simon, completely exhausted, and unable to breathe through his nose (which thoroughly irritates the little man) threw a MASSIVE fit. He wanted to lay down with daddy. But he didn't want daddy anywhere on the bed. In fact, he doesn't want on the bed. He just wants to scream. Does it have anything to do with the bed, his diaper, or the number of lights on/off? No. It has to do with the fact that this little man is too tired to sleep and really just wants to be comforted but can't, because his body hurts. He can't quite pin point where the owie is coming from, just that it's there.

While Simon has made great progress in his verbal skills, he struggles to be understood by most people. It's not that they don't try...well ok ...I don't really believe that...I truly think most people just don't try. They nod, smile, laugh, and guess. But they don't really try. Maybe it's because I spent so much of my childhood not hearing anyone well, and thus people decided I was "lazy" or not living up to my potenital, when really I just couldn't understand most of what you're saying dear teacher, especially since you sat me next to the BOILER. But, this is a difficult area for me. Simon really tries with pointing, and repeating himself and attempting to enunciate, to fully communicate and most people just shrug and look to me for translation. So, until he comes fully into his own, and is able to clearly express himself, I am going to sit with him. I'll sit through the screaming. I'll sit through the crying. I'll sit through the throwing, sometimes hitting, and wait for him to express his frustration that no one seems to be able to understand him, because when I do...when I am able to remain calm through his storm and show him that I really am doing all I can to understand him....that we have a break through. We may not find the real original reason for what began this all, but we find something I can fix. Something I can do to help him find a way to be somewhat comforted. For this, I have my husband to thank. He has sat through many of MY storms, calm. He has held me through my crying, screaming, throwing fits and waited for me to find something, anything that I could convey to him. He has helped me to be understood. And so, it is my prayer, that I'll never give up on seeking to understand my children's needs. No matter how often I may fail...I never want to shrug at their pain and frustration and say "you'll out grow it." "it's a phase" "drama!" and leave it at that.

non-stress test

2011-10-24T12:54:00.002-06:00

Today was the start of my non-stress tests. I'll have 2 a week for the remainder of my pregnancy. I had no idea what a "non-stress" test was, only that getting there this morning....caused immense stress. When I set up my first appointment, I thought...9:30 what a perfect time~ Ava's school begins at 9 and is only about a mile or two from the hospital. I could drop her off, go to the appointment, and be done in time to go pick her up. Perfection. I did not factor in the scenario of Simon being up every 2 hours last night--once with nightmares "scary lions" and the others with molar pains. I also did not factor in that Ava would be a zombie this morning and decide she had no desire to go to school and is still having a bit of an asthma issue. I also should not have balanced my budget this morning. That's always a massive stress trigger these days. Dang spreadsheets.
However, it turns out...the non-stress test is all about the stress the babies are under. So, my nearly having a total panic attack this morning and wanting to lock myself in the closet for the remainder of the day didn't cause me to fail. The babies did well. They had to zap one of them to get the heart rate to do what they wanted...which was WEIRD! Simon came with me and was actually very well behaved. Probably the best he has been all day. My amniotic levels are equal for each baby, and they both have a deep pocket, but the levels are lower than normal, so they are watching that. I have another appointment Thursday and as long as they aren't lower, we're still doing great. If it does lower, then they monitor even more closely and perhaps decide to take them. Sometimes there are circumstances where the NICU is safer than the womb I guess. Let's cross our fingers that since they are smaller than average babies, that their levels are just smaller as well, but not dangerous.
Simon, thankfully, took a nap after the hospital, and I started my day of scanning. Scanning. Scanning. Scanning. I'm trying so hard to get 30 hours a week...and so far max out about 18. Listening to conference has helped. It helps when the kids start fighting. It helps when I realize most of what I'm freaking out about internally are insignificant. I never missed a conference growing up. It wasn't even an option. We drove to our ward building on Saturday and Sunday, and had to take notes. Not until I moved to Utah, did I begin the online late viewing or listening. As a mother-I'm eternally grateful for the online recap and ability to listen whenever. Because, let's face it...even if it gets turned on during the actual conference...I won't hear more than 10 minutes. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't have a mystical magical perfect mother creating power, but I have noticed a difference in my reactions to life and my children from taking a few talks a day. I still don't get 100% of what is being said...but it's better than the random choices Netflix offers these days.

2011-10-22T00:20:00.002-06:00

The weekend of General Conference, we were up at the family cabin. Conference played in the background, but I'm not sure I heard more than 10 minutes of it. Today, while scanning, I started playing it to help pass the time. I love the sense of humor from the speakers. President Monson, President Packer, and Elder Uchtdorf were among my favorites---no surprise there I'm sure. I found it has helped me to fight off much of the anxiety that I have been struggling with the past couple of weeks.
We currently have 2 queen size beds in our bedroom. The past few months, I have slept in one and Chris the other. I take up so much space these days, that it just became easier and much more comfortable this way. It also helps me to keep in line with certain doctor orders ;) I decided that it might be fun to have a family sleep over in our room. The kids in one bed and Chris and I in the other. It turned out to be Ava and I in one bed, and the boys in another for the first hour or so. I awoke, thanks to my ever bullied bladder, and now am struggling to get back to bed. I moved Simon and Ava into one bed, and decided they can kick each other into oblivion. Those kids move so much in their sleep that it is incomprehensible.
I looked up photos from Simon's birth. That kid was one really funky looking baby. I can say this openly for many reasons. The top 2 being...1. He is in no doubt now the most ADORABLE little boy I've ever known. and 2. You all already knew this. I mean....I remember that we nick named him Benjamin Button, but he REALLY did look like an old man. I'm grateful for his wildly curly hair, and that he is steadily growing into his beautiful massive head. Also, I had forgotten how tiny Ava was when he was born. I'm amazed by it all. She's always been such a great big sister, that I never realized how small and young she really was when he came along. Just 2 years and 3 months old. I'm grateful that Simon has had a few more months to prepare to be a big brother. He will be 2 years and 8 months old when they are born. Slowly, the past two or three months, he and Ava have become friends. In the car today, they were sharing hugs, laughing, teasing. Sure 70% of the time, he's driving her absolutely crazy, or scheming her out of whatever she has. But that 30% of the time that they are buddies, they are adorable. And i love it. It makes the hard times so much easier to endure. I am anxious to see how their relationship grows when the twins arrive. Ava has already stipulated that Carter will be her baby and Austen will be for Simon. I'm not sure which baby to feel worse for ;)
Well, I suppose I shall refill the vaporizer. The entire purpose of turning on the computer was to remind myself how to properly clean the filter thing....and it's been an hour and I had almost totally forgotten about it. So, research the cleaning process. clean. refill. and attempt to sleep. I've had 4 hours a night for 3 days now...so not a good way to spend the last month of life with 2 kids instead of 4

Blog Stealing

2011-10-18T09:47:00.002-06:00

If you look to the left of my ranting blog, you'll see my blog list. My favorite to follow is Understanding Prematurity. A website/blog created by my very dear friend, Amanda. I encourage you to check out her blog and follow it closely. You'll learn how to be a better person, and educate yourself on the lives of premie parents. Her most recent blog is amazing, and I encourage you all to PLEASE help her in OPERATION: NICU Holiday Support.

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year. We’re planning on putting together packages for families in the NICU again this year, hoping to lift a little of the sadness that inevitably comes from spending your holidays in the hospital with your child.

Last year, the cards you all made and sent were so well received that we really, really want to do it again. I’m going to put together the packages for the NICU at the Naval Medical Center San Diego (the hospital at which Peter works), and if we can swing it, I’d like to send cards to the NICU at Chester County Hospital (the Hospital where Charlotte was born).

So here’s what we need:

-Cards: These cards can be hand made, store bought or blank paper with children’s drawings on them (these were some of my favorites last year).

*These cards should say things like: “We’re thinking of you” or “We hope you know that you are in our thoughts during the holiday season” or “May you find the joys of the holidays no matter where you spend them.” While I found myself relying on my faith during Charlotte’s NICU stay, not everyone shares that faith, and we should be understanding of their beliefs. Thanks

*Please don’t say anything like: “Your baby will be home before you know it!” because, believe you me, those parents know every.single.moment they are in the NICU. And making promises you can’t keep isn’t a present, its, uhh, torture. So don’t.

-Blankets: I LOVE the blankets we got while in the NICU. They just mean so much to us. Blankets should be free from decorative threading, since it can irritate the babies’ fragile skin. Flannel blankets or muslin blankets are fantastic, as are Swaddle blankets.

-Gift cards: Gift cards for Starbucks, Target, Walmart, Gas, etc are fantastic. These don’t have to be in large denominations, $5 or $10 is fine. (More is obviously acceptable, but not necessary).

-Developmental Toys: Taggie blankets, rattles, teethers, soft stuffed animals, etc. We’d like to include a small toy for each child.

-Monetary: If you would just like to make a monetary donations, we will ensure that the funds go to the families in the NICU.

The NICU at NMCSD is approximately a 25 bed NICU, and the one in Chester County is 12 beds. So about 40 packages total. We’d like to include 4-5 cards per packages, so 200 cards total. We’d also LOVE to be able to donate a gift card to the family who travels the most to see their child. Last year we were able to give a $100 gift card, and I’d love to be able to do the same this year.

So that’s what we need. Please share this with others. Last year we had Girl Scout troups and youth groups and entire families who made donations. If we can do the same this year, we can definitely meet our goals.

Thanks so much for all your help. I know together we can make a difference for these families.

Please email me at cak.micropreemie {at} gmail {dot} com for information about where to send the items, or leave your email in the comment section and I will contact you!

2011-10-18T07:18:00.002-06:00

I know that winter in Utah is necessary. It comes every year, and yet...as it approaches year after year I am still mystified by how incredibly dark it is at 7am. And this week is still in the mid 60s for high temps. I don't really think it should be ok for the world to be so very dark at 7am. It throws me every time. every morning, I'm sure it must be 4am, and sure enough it's not. I would not survive Alaska or any other region that spends most of the day as night. I need the sun to function. Northern Cali anyone? Mostly I'm bugged, because it's getting cold and I own zero winter maternity clothes. "But deb", you say, "your other kids were born in the winter months." Oh yes, this is true. But let's Rewind to April, when I was so confident we were done having kids that I donated all of my maternity tubs to the DI during one of our "clean the garage" escapades. I'm sure the twins and Heaven were having a good laugh at that decision. So I say, rock on warm fall. I'm good with the delay of temps below 65.......forever really...but at least until mid-November.

Last night, I started the Aqua Moms water aerobics that Melissa has been talking up for months. Let me tell you--it was a lot of fun, and felt great...until about 2am when my right arm began to cramp. SON OF A! It's still in pain. and it's 7:30am.

Yes, this entire post is meant to be a whine-fest. So, if that's what you're thinking...you're on the right track 100% and should probably bow out now.

Where was i?

2011-10-15T21:44:00.004-06:00

The last week or so, I have begun to let myself feel the weight of our current situation. 31 weeks. House still on the market---no offers as of yet. We just lowered the price to 160. Each day I realize...that I'm not sure what the "right" move is next. I feel no direction. I am grateful for the help we have had from family over the past 3 months. I know that my being able to reach this far into my pregnancy, is largely thanks to this help. However, I feel that it's time to move on. But where? Do we become landlords? Do we just move back into our home? Should the "selling the house" just become a running gag? We felt so surely, again, that putting it up for sale, and vacating was what we were supposed to do. But it hasn't sold. The listing expires in a few weeks. From what Dr Chmait said, I'll only be permitted to 37 weeks, which is 6 weeks away people. That's not too far off now.
This morning was stressful. As a result, I had a massive panic attack. I have to say that I'm forever grateful for a husband who understands anxiety struggles. When we were first married, I can tell you that I had no idea or understanding of "anxiety." Over the years, pregnancies etc, I've become very intimate with anxiety. I've come to understand the real, tangible, horrific feeling that it is. He helped me to find my way back to calm. The incredibly lovely day also helped me to put aside the stress and anxiety and pure panic that was overwhelming my body and mind. I'm forever grateful for the past few days of sun. The sun is so healing to my soul. I mean that in a completely sincere manner. The gray days can be equally beautiful, but I struggle with my chaos on those days. I want so much to do the "right" thing and to make the wise choices for our family. I don't ever want to be in the situation again, where we seem to have no options. Things have changed so much since June. Dramatically. Chris's graduation schedule, our pregnancy, the kids....my view on so many things. I have been told to "seek to be wise, for wisdom is better than knowledge of facts and things." This is a challenge for me, because wisdom requires so much more faith than I have most days.
I need to have faith in so many areas of life. Faith that my babies will survive the pregnancy. Faith that my body will carry them to a safe term. Faith that my mind will survive the hormones that are raging now and after the pregnancy. Faith that our finances will cover our obligations. Faith that I can really do what the Lord has chosen me to do--be a mother to 4 children under the age of 5. That's the kicker right there. Especially when I've been told point blank, that I don't' know how to be a good parent. I'm not sure I've ever been given such an incredibly hurtful comment as that. I have tried to fight it off, and rid it from my memory, but it clings there. Isn't that every mother's fear? That we aren't good enough? I only have 2 and am already failing at such an obvious level that this person felt compelled to inform me-quite bluntly-that I am a bad mother. How will I ever possibly be a good mom to 4?
I need direction. I need guidance from my Father. I know He's with me. I see the small miracles everyday. Ava and Simon playing well together. The sun shining after days of endless grey. My babies flipping around as if they are in the circus--letting me know they are there. I need to stop waiting for my "Golden Ticket" as President Uchtdorf cautioned in the RS conference.

"So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about....if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.
This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."

My golden tickets:

The house selling...and lately just the idea of us being back in a home that is "ours"
Chris graduating college
Chris landing a new job that replaces my income, and I can just be "mom."

I loved this talk. It was and is a talk that speaks to my heart. "It's ok that you're not quite there yet. Keep working on it. But STOP punishing yourself....please remember also, to be compassionate and patient with yourself."

31 weeks and still going strong! :)

2011-10-15T14:24:00.004-06:00

I always love when I find a new blog to read. I'm not an avid blog stalker. But, now and then I happen upon one that makes me laugh, inspires me and helps me to give myself a break. Two new blogs lately have done this for me.

Theletter4.blogspot.com

cinderelladuty.blogspot.com

The letter 4 is created by Chris's cousins. I've known these ladies for almost 6 years, but never really knew much about them until they started this blog. I had no idea how much creativity and humor they possessed. Love it! They feature fashion, organization, crafts, photography, recipes...a little bit of everything.

Cinderelladuty is by a great gal in my old ward in Clearfield. She told me about it yesterday, and I checked it out this morning. GREAT BLOG! Honest. Funny. Inspiring. It's all about bringing our expectiations of ourselves as moms and wives to a reasonable, livable level.

I encourage you to check them both out. They are sure to be added to your daily blog-stalk schedule.

Today is 31 weeks for our pregnancy. I'm excited we've made it this far. My new obsession, outside of blogs ;) is back to Burger King. I know...great way to be ending my pregnancy. I cannot get through a week without a strawberry shake and burger. Also, mint chocolate chip ice cream. mmmmmmmmmm After being so careful with my nutrition the past 6 months, I've not quite given up but ....am close. I'm still doing my protein drinks a few times a week...so I say the burger, shake and occassional cones are well deserved!

Chris just turned on the adjustment bureau. LOVE EMILY BLUNT. can no longer focus on writing a blog. LATER.

Break out the elmers, glitter and gingerbread???

2011-09-23T15:35:00.003-06:00

Since when did September usher in Christmas Decorations? Has this been happening for a while, and I've just been oblivious? Two weeks ago, Joye came home and ranted about Macys having their Christmas stuff up. Then, today, I realized Costco and Michaels website do too. I was trying to get some Halloween themed things, crafts etc to work with Ava while I'm on bed rest and it's all CHRISTMAS. I didn't realize I should have been planning October crafts in AUGUST. Someone please clue me in.

Each day, we've started having craft time. I do a craft with Ava while Simon is napping, and then we do Simons later in the day. I love the Creatology foam projects. They are super cute, and mostly made of foam stickers...so there's very little glue involved, and the kids can do 98% of the project on their own and have a really adorable end product. They are both so proud of the Frankenstiens they made yesterday. Today, we are making Jack-0-Lantern wreaths. This is from stuff I bought last year on clearance and had packed away. I'm extra thankful that I had the foresight to do that last year, since I'm not sure what will be in stock at the craft stores. *sigh* I'll head out today with coupon in hand, just in case. Maybe I should get the Thanksgiving stuff now too? I just figure it's so much more fun than watching a movie. It gets them engaged in learning, and it creates better memories, and lets me feel not so guilty about needing more mommy sitting time.

Tomorrow is 28 weeks. I'm starting to feel tired so much faster these days. I spend most of the day pushing the "sit down" urge out of my mind and trying to keep up with my kids, but by the end of the night, I am usually aching. I'm not sure how much longer my "mind over matter" will last, but I'm still trucking. I am so relieved and excited to have made it this far--and a little anxious and nervous about how massive I'll be should I make it another 9 weeks. Most of my maternity shirts are no longer long enough. I have 2 that are still working, but the rest are starting to show the underside of my belly--oh so not a cute look for me. I don't want to buy more stuff though, because if I do go early then I'll have paid for something I wore twice. I am too cheap for my own good. Plus, who cares if I wear the same 2 shirts and 4 dresses over and over.

Last night, we did a family photo session for Rachel. It was fun. I was exhausted from pushing myself all day (cough-week) and we didn't get started right when I wanted to...but we did get some really nice shots with the 30 minutes of golden hour we had left. Nate and Annie were real troopers--and I have to say so were my kids. They had to tag along, and I really think the fact that neither fell in the duck pond, were kidnapped, or ate duck poop really says something. You can check them out on the ever so neglected Rezzen Photography Facebook page. I need some serious photoshop instruction for swapping heads. Getting 2 kids under the age of 5 to look up (or, ok any combination of 4 people) to look in the same direction with a happy expression is just....next to impossible. Also, I am not a fan of the way the page is working these days for adding albums. I couldn't figure out how to add new photos. It's very round about and not at all easy to remember and all together a pain in the uterus. But, eventually, I got 8 up. That might be all I do, because seriously, I don't have the energy to figure it out again. Also, this may have been the event I needed to get serious about getting my butt, or more importantly, eyes to the doctor. I lost my last left contact about 2 months ago. I've been going around with right eye sight only since. I kept thinking--I'll go when the house sells. It's always like a minimum $200 to go get new eye prescriptions and contacts and glasses. I just wasn't ready to part with that cash, since most of the day I see totally fine. However, I naturally want shoot photos with my left eye. And having no sight means having to shoot with my right. I'm not a fan of this--at all. Dear house, please be sold in the next month so that I don't miss photographing Autumn. Thanks!

To Wish, To Do. To Hope

2011-09-14T20:55:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure about you, but it seems my TO DO lists, never EVER has an end. As soon as I mark off a few items, suddenly, as if by some mathematical formula, new items exponentially are added to the bottom, left, right, top corner...anywhere there is space. So, perhaps it should be called a Wish List, a list of things I hope to accomplish before I fall down (dead) tired.
My gorgeous friend, Amanda, wishes me 10 short weeks of successful pregnancy. Here are the things I hope will be accomplished in that time period.

These are in no particular order, and I'm certain this list, like so many before it, is in no way exempt to that tricky rule that continuously adds crap to my lists.

Each baby to gain 4 pounds-my sonographer says this is a "lofty" goal. This would hopefully put each boy about 6 pounds.
A GREAT offer on the house, which we accept.
CLOSING ON THE HOUSE. This would be great to happen in the first 1/2 of the next 10 weeks. Just saying.
Maternity photos in fall colors. Wheeler Canyon anyone? So so excited.
Picking up my camera at least once a week. It's insane that I've gone months at a time during this year without even remembering I have such awesome equipment.
Getting my hair to successfully curl with my Chi. 2 failed attempts today. But I will not be thwarted.
Figuring out which grade I'll be registering Ava for Charter schools in January. Because, by the time January comes, my brain will likely be runnier than apple sauce and not at all focused on her next academic year. She's technically in kindergarten, but do I make her repeat, or just place her into 1st grade for her first year of "traditional" school. It would be great if any of the 10 schools I emailed for input on this exact subject would email me back.
A spa day would rock. This would be totally contingent on the house selling, as it's totally a frivolous expense. But seriously, this face needs some love. Having 2 eyebrows would be fabulous, and I'm pretty sure my toes are still sporting the polish I put on back in April. Week one. Gross.
Have Sarah-Jo come up for dinner at least 3 times. Once for sushi--well she and Chris will eat the sushi, I will drool and eat my green tea ice cream. Once for absolutely anything she feels inclined to cook at the time ;) and Once for nothing but shenanigans.
Love my family every moment. Ahhh sentiment.

26 Weeks

2011-09-12T10:00:00.005-06:00

I had a terrifying realization on Saturday. Saturdays are my "victory days", because it means that I am able to say I'm in a new week of my pregnancy. And as all mommies know, every day--every week that you continue to stay pregnant, exponentially increase our odds for healthy babies. I've seen two amazing children born micro-preemie that have blown their doctors out of the water, and those babies give me hope. Hope, that if my body isn't able to make it another 10 weeks, that we will all survive and thrive.
Saturday, as I hit my TWENTY SIX WEEKS mark, and thought *phew* only two more weeks and then I'm in that "so much safer" zone. I mean, delivering at 28 weeks would still be so incredibly early and scary, but according to the Docs, it's a heck of a lot less scary than 25-26 weeks. It's mind blowing to me the difference that each week on its own can make to a baby's development. I was speaking with my sister-in-law who finally put into perspective how close I really am getting. She said, "Wow, in two months you'll be done." I laughed at that for a micro-second, and then realized...10 weeks...that's 5 MFM appointments. 2, maybe 3 more measurements...OH MY GOSH THAT'S TOO SOON. Because I have monochorionic twins, (sharing a placenta) it is not advised to go beyond 37 weeks, because the placenta just begins to die off. So, technically...after today I may only have 4 more appointments with my fabulous Maternal Fetal Sonographer, who I have come to adore. She's so sweet and makes me laugh. She is super fast and accurate at the same time. It also means that I have only 10 weeks of growth for the babies. I'm not that huge at the moment. I mean, I would have imagined myself so much bigger--not that I'm at all complaining, but the thought that two 6 pound babies will need to be in me at the same time...I have this feeling I'm going to wake up one day and not be able to get out of bed. As if it will just happen one day. I'll admit, the past 2 days I've felt the growing and can see it. Exponential. AH!

So, am I ready? Am I really ready for two new babies? I have a car that fits 3 children...and 1 infant seat...and absolutely no baby clothes, because I was so certain we were done having children that I gave them all away. And to be honest, I'm too terrified that going and buying anything before they are both here, would be jinxing them. I know this sounds crazy. I'm not a superstitious person by any means, but I cannot bring myself to buy anything for these boys. I just want them here first. I want to hold them. It's almost like I cannot fully grasp what is coming my way. It was only 8 weeks ago that I was treated for Twin Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Seeing my babies were in danger. It scared me. It numbed me. And then, like THAT it was over. A bad dream. A practical joke. And by the end of the week, I was just like any other twin pregnancy mom. I try to think through it, and still cannot put my experience into comprehensible words. I'm reading this book--Toughest Teeniest Twin Soldiers-Living and Dying through TTTS. It's difficult for me to read. This woman lost one of her babies. He only had a 2 vessel chord, and then her babies contracted TTTS, so it was all too much for them. It's difficult to read because I feel the chaos all over. But, I owe it to her, to myself, and to all TTTS warriors to read this book. To honor the memory of her son. To honor the erratic experience that is TTTS. They have an Ebook version for $9.99-which is what Chris got me. It's been cathartic to see that I'm not the only one who struggles to express in print what going in for a regular check up and receiving devastating news does to you. My twins and I are fortunate that, as of my last appointment, all signs of complications due to TTTS had been reversed, corrected, healed. I have an appointment today at 1:30 to measure the babies. And even though every ultrasound since my surgery has only shown amazing and miraculous news, I'm always just the tiniest bit tempted to not go. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'll get bad news all over again. But then I think of my heros, Amanda and Johannah. These amazing women and their husbands, Peter and Ben. These parents whose babies were born at just shy of 24 and 26 weeks. These parents who prayed, and cried, and dedicated their lives and sanity to the survival of the sweet spirits that many doctors may have given up on. These parents who met with, and continue to meet with countless doctors, hoping for the best of news, but ever ready for the bad. These parents who now hear everyday how "normal" their child appears. How "perfect" and how "smart, well, beautiful, healthy..." and live through the anguish of knowing how far their child has come in the fight of their lives, while others see only a happy child. I'm sure it's a double edged sword--the desire to shout back YA WELL YOU HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT IT'S TAKEN TO GET HERE while at the same time relieved that not everyone will HAVE to know, or will see right away the dangerous path they've trodden.

Charlotte-approaching 18 months-born at 23 weeks 6 days. You can read about her amazing and inspiring life at Understanding Prematurity.

Joseph-now 3 years old.

At 26 weeks, the only "set" of anything I may have is a set of adorable, snuggly, loving kids and the good ol' mother nature given feed bags. But I also have the wisdom of those who have gone before me. The help of a loving husband and his Nana, who in no doubt will be there to make sure I don't get lost in PPD. A mother and father who take my 2 older children regularly, to make sure they feel loved, and are getting the attention and adventures that 4 and 2 year olds crave. In-laws that adore my children and shower them in love, tiny treasures, laughter, tickles, and who my kids know beyond everything else loves them. My family-near and far-have proven to love me and my children, and I have no doubt that should things go "normal" or everything go horribly wrong that they will continue to be there. The other things will come as we have a need.

So when the countdown beings to give me shortness of breath, hopefully I'll remember...I have everything I need--and so much more.

***edit***
So it was Joseph and not Joshua--the correction has been made. That's what happens when you name your kids so similarly and then move them to Chile and not have FB until recently, so that I can never see them. Just saying***

giggles

2011-09-08T21:39:00.001-06:00

tonight, for about an hour, we played with flashlights. Hide and seek in the dark with flashlights. the kids laughed SO hard. and so did we. it was awesome. after about 45 minutes, we all said goodnight and the kids settled right down. a great way to get the last of the wiggles and giggles of the day out.

2011-09-08T04:12:00.004-06:00

So, I randomly woke an hour ago and have been lying in my bed since unable to stop thinking about this--so i'm putting it out there in hopes that i will then be able to go back to sleep. It seems like my OB could really care less about me or my babies. I was transferred from a midwife to this OB at 20 weeks due to TTTS. However, despite seeing him 3 times now, he has never once looked at my babies, and spends a total of about 10 minutes in the room with me. He's been performing the Fibronectin test to establish if I'm going to be delivering in the next 2 weeks. He told me outright at my last appt 2 days ago that seeing him is completely unnecessary as I'm in Maternal Fetal Medicine every other week, and that I should bully them into checking my urine and PB so that I don't have to bother with him. I'm going to be 26 weeks on Saturday.

I realize that people deliver babies to doctors that don't know them every.single.day. Even if Dr Hartman did look at my twins every time, he could be sick or on vacation or stuck in surgery when it's time for my boys to come, but at the same time, the lack of his direct knowledge to my boys worries me. I love delivering at McKay Dee...but I think I've come to the conclusion that I don't trust this guy to by my OB. I don't want someone who is going to be fussing over me don't get me wrong. I just want my midwife back. Someone who took time to focus on me and my babies. I was never in my midwife's office for more than 15 minutes, but in those 15 minutes he was focused on me, the babies, asking questions, making sure to let me know that having questions of my own to ask was not only OK, but encouraged. Are there OBs out there like this?

25 weeks down hopefully 11 to go

2011-09-05T08:04:00.004-06:00

Well, we are at 25 weeks and 2 days. I'm so excited. Fetal Medicine keeps telling me, if we can just make it to 28 weeks without any events, that the babies will have SUCH a better chance of survival and fewer complications. Every Saturday morning I have a little celebration in my mind that we all managed to make it one more week together. I'm aiming for 11 more. It seems the twins that can hang on until 36 weeks don't have to have any nicu time. I know that there is so very little I can actually control about when they come. That's the scary part. I can follow all of the rules and make it without any issue. Or, I could follow all of the rules and BAM! deliver very preemie babies. It happens so many times, every day. All I can do is continue to hope and pray that they continue to grow and develop until it's "safe."

Things seem to be going well with the house. We've had a lot of showings. So far, no offers...but people are at least checking it out. I'm excited that cooler weather is here. The mums will come into full bloom and the grass will suffer less heat exhaustion and be able to actually retain the water before it evaporates. Our yard is always prettiest in September/early October. Chris, Steve and Pam went out this past weekend and moved the sprinklers that had ended up behind the fence line when the fence was put up. It was so much easier to do with their help. The quote I got to redo the line almost caused me to faint. Nothing will make you sick of the phrase ending in "at least $500" like fixing up a house to sell. I can tell you...if you need anything fixed and don't have the skills or the time...it'll be at least "$500." I owe Steve and Pam big time. They probably shaved off 2 hours of time being there to help. Pam kept me from over doing things in the yard. She put me on Victoria duty while she helped Chris do lawn stuff. We fired our lawn company, because the 6" tree sprouts and weeds in the backyard screamed NEGLECT. Clearly, they weren't really coming every week.
Begin Rant--WHAT IS WITH THESE COMPANIES ANYWAY?! I have heard my mother-in-law talk about her previous pool and lawn companies before and just figured she had bad luck. But it seems crappy customer service and an inability to communicate effectively is universal with so many of these service companies.

Answer your dang messages. I understand that you're on the job, and thus leaving a voice mail may be necessary...BUT YOU SHOULD CALL YOUR CLIENT BACK. Making me follow up with a text 3 days later, and then having me contact your BNI referee to let them know you're MIA before any kind of response is ridiculous.
INVOICE YOUR CLIENTS. I can't pay you if I don't know when/if you've been at my house. When we agree on a weekly service, because the home has been VACATED, then please show up and do your job and then email, text, or SNAIL MAIL me to let me know you've been there and what I owe you for the services rendered.
Happy customers = repeat business and additional referrals. You create happy customers by following the two SIMPLE rules above. Unsatisfied customers = me blogging about how awful of an experience I had and no referrals, just warning others to stay far far away. Seriously, I would have been better off with a 12 year old mowing my lawn. END RANT

Well, it's time to go eat, before I rampage on other random things. We are partying it up today at my parents for KK and Daniel. W00t! Happy Labor (and non-labor wooo hooo) day folks

the words i long to hear...

2011-09-01T14:28:00.002-06:00

I know you're weary
I know you've had all you can bear
And now you ask of me on bended knee
I promise I'll be there

I've watched you struggle
Yet I can see how much you've grown
Child, could you feel my power in your darkest hour?
You were not alone

Be still and know that I am God
I'm by your side
Whom shall you fear
I'll give you strength my child
I am here
Be still and know that I am God
And there's no prayer
That I don't hear
Lift up your head
My child
I am here

--my daughter has seen far too many tears run down my face the past few months. Too often she is the one being a comforter. I pray and plead for peace. I pray and plead for refuge. Stress.Anxiety.Uncertainty. I feel it. I breathe it in daily.

it's the perfect blendship

2011-08-24T21:32:00.005-06:00

I can't believe how fast time is going. The other day, my dear friend Peter Ford asked me how it is even possible we've gotten to be at the stage of life, where we are having kids grow up on us. Simon started preschool at Bravo with his cousin Melyn last week. He LOVES it. We are lying down last night...and he's trying so hard to fall asleep and suddenly he points at the ceiling and counts to TWELVE, and then perfectly sang the ABC song. Now, for some kids this would not be anything huge for almost 2 1/2. However, for my Si-guy, this was a first. He's been trying to get his ABCs down for a few months, but kept skipping a few. He was so proud and just LAUGHED each time he could do it. His new favorite phrase is "What's this?" and he fully expects an honest and correct answer. Even when he knows the answer, he will ask. If you get it wrong, he will correct you. If you say, "I don't know hun." that just doesn't cut it. He asks again and again until you tell him. His curiosity is just exploding. He has had some major 2 year old moments this past month, but I'd say he's adjusting really well to all the change that has come into his little world this year. He broke from the bottle, moved, and I lost the permission to carry him all in a 4 week period. Who wouldn't have issues with that? Through it all though, he's really growing into a little guy quite well. Most nights he settles down easily and is very lovey when he can tell I've run out of strength. He is very ready to let you see and mourn any and every "owie" imagined or real. He milks the attention. No chance of this kid getting lost in the mix, that's for sure.

Ava has abso-lutely loved her first week of kindergarten at Bravo. She has made a best friend, which is a true answer to a prayer of mine. She has been so very lonely since we moved up here. She went to her friend, Kimmy's, house today. I hope that Kimmy's mom and I get to know each other well, and maybe I'll make a new friend too? Dare I hope? She seems really sweet. She was nice enough to host the first play date when the girls BEGGED to play right after she and I met. Ava seemed to really have a blast. I hope they stay good friends throughout the year. She is only a month older than Ava.

Speaking of besties, Rachel and I met up this afternoon. I am loving our weekly outings. It gives me something to bribe my kids with, and really gives me something to look forward to. Rach really has been an answer to my prayers as well. I feel like being friends with her is zero effort and very much kindergarten easy. You meet, laugh, and bam...instant friends. I wish it was this easy with everyone, but then...it wouldn't really mean anything to me I guess. This week we ventured to Kangaroo Zoo-it just opened in Ogden. It's a warehouse full of bouncy houses. It was about 80 degrees and 200% humidity, but the kids had the time of their lives, and for 2 hours bounced, climbed, slid, and came begging to leave all sweaty, tired and stinky. Ah, the way a play date should end. It ensures no fight for a bath or dinner. They actually asked for extras, and Ava needed a night snack as well. I'm not sure what we'll be up to next week, but I'm already looking forward to those couple hours of stress free socializing, and side aching laughter. And her adorable Annie. Man I love that chunky smiley baby.

Hilary Weeks

2011-08-20T22:18:00.004-06:00

AT one time in my life, I considered myself quite good with words. Along with so many things about myself, I no longer find this to be all that true. I have moments where I can be spontaneously clever, or say something randomly profound, but no real lasting word smithing.
The last few months, I find myself internally frustrated with this. I feel so many conflicting emotions and have been unable to express it even to my own soul.
My mother-in-law showed up the other night with a gift for me.
This cute book comes with a 7 track CD. 5 of the tracks are parodies of songs, bringing humor to frustrations mothers face daily. Track 6, starts off quite humorous, just as the previous 5, but then naturally, and unassumingly becomes a strengthening moment for every.single.mom out there, followed by an amazing song that perfectly expresses everything I've been trying to figure out in my own heart and mind for most of this year. It's called "Who you are." The night she gave this to me, Chris had offered to take the kids home in his car, and I had the first "alone" time in over a week. I found myself pulling into the garage with tears streaming down my face. Feeling the love of my Heavenly Father stronger than I have felt in ages.
Last night, once again I found myself drained at the end of a long day. The living room was a disaster. The dishes were still waiting to be done, along with laundry...and the endless list of things that we, as mothers, seem to find vital tasks before we allow ourselves a moment of peace. I feel so unequal to the task so many times in a day. And when I consider that our lives are about to be added upon with these precious little boys...I literally cower. How can I possibly find the patience, love, energy for two more souls at once? Instantly doubling our kids....I finally understand somewhat of how the apostles may have felt the day of the 5,000...with 5 loaves and fishes. How to provide for so many with so very little. And yet, as Hilary explains on her CD, the Lord thanks Heavenly Father for what they've been given, despite how it is so painfully obvious insignificant vs. the need. And yet...again, by the end there are 12 baskets full...and all have been fed. Our Father in Heaven gave not only what they needed, but more than enough. Can he really make me...give me...more than enough to provide the love, kindness, patience, strength and energy that my family will require? I found this when I was struggling with this ....

Again, the sobs...Something about a good,hard, body shaking cry is the only way to relieve the pain and stress. The only way that I can find myself able to pray. Pleading. Begging. Questioning. I used to have so many answers, and when I listen to these songs, and take the time to find the silence...and feel the inspiration of the lyrics and musicality, something in my heart is strengthened, and screams out...The answers are still here. You know that the Lord is aware and with you. With the babies. Do not lose your way. So for now, I am once again seeing my life...walking the path to the Tree...the rod so close. Some moments I know I am clinging to it with my whole soul, but most...I feel that I am blindly reaching forward...hoping to find it again. I'm grateful for those out there that light the path with their testimonies...so that I can find my way back through all the chaos of life.

Back on the market

2011-08-19T20:16:00.003-06:00

When I think about our home...sometimes I can't breathe. At the beginning of this year, my job was asking me to come back into the office a few times a week, and we knew from the last two years, to expect Ava to be in the doctors quite a bit between Jan-April. Yeay asthma and allergies. So, we set up an FSA fund, where they take money out pre-tax and set it aside for reimbursement. This really is a great way to pay for medical and childcare. We set aside the max for childcare, which is$5,000(hello 2 kids in day care is KILLER) and about $3,000 in medical. This resulted in Chris's take home pay being significantly smaller. At the time, it didn't really matter, because I was working too.
Fast forward to my first ultrasound, and the word TWINS. We realized that we'd need to sell the house. We were on schedule to list the house August 1st, but then jump ahead to TTTS bedrest of 6 hours a day...and my work hours are SLASHED and our mls date was pushed back to August 16. My company is incredible, in that they say when I can come in, to come in and they find me some scanning to do. The trouble is, new neighborhood with zero babysitters, and so last week I made it in 6 hours. six.
Our home looks amazing. We've replaced just about everything in the home, and added a new fence. Plug here for Rocky Mountain Fence in Hooper. $2,000 cheaper than other quotes, and had us installed within 4 days of our quote. Amazing.
I'm needing SO much faith here. We NEED a good family to buy our home and right about where we listed it, so that we can make it through this one income, full time school, 4 kids under 5 time of our lives. So, if you can please pass along our url...

http://www.utahrealestate.com/1049956

and spread the word, I'd really appreciate it. When we listed it 2 years ago, we had like 4 showings. It was so disappointing. This time, the home is vacant. This time, the home has a fully fenced yard. This time, staying isn't an option financially. Please, if you can, lend a prayer for the sale of our home.

2011-08-02T10:15:00.002-06:00

Oh dear neglected blog. no one posts on you, and no one really reads when I do. *sigh* but so much has happened, maybe it should be chronicled. Just not sure where to begin.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with twin twin transfusion syndrome on Tuesday about 10am. I didn't go back to work that day, so my poor replacement took over the job after only one day of training. (which consisted mostly of laughing) About 3pm, I got a call from Hollywood Presby in LA and was told to be there the next day at 9am. We booked a flight, hotel, rental car, and at 4am, headed to the airport. The tuition Chris had set aside for fall covered our expenses. I've got 3 weeks to figure out how to replace $2500...so not thinking about that at the moment...ok well clearly I am, but as of now, no longer thinking about it.

We met with Dr Chmait's team-
Ashley the sonographer--brilliant southern gal, with a slight noticeable dialect. Brilliant. Kind. Hilarious. I almost threw up on her a few times, then she stopped believing me that I was "ok" during the 3 hour sonogram and just started insisting it was time for a break.

Terry the nurse--this sounds odd, but seriously, it felt like I've always known this woman, and grew up with her as a 2nd mom. She was hilarious, kind, and insisting we text updates. She reminded me so much of Monica Ciotti. I instantly loved her.

Ramen Chmait, MD--brilliant, kind, all around human doctor. He took so much time to talk to us about the disease, and our options. Again, I feel like he wasn't just some doctor a few states away I had to come to, but someone that had known me forever, and was really concerned and determined to make this overwhelming and frightening disease a distant memory. A "remember when..." Ten years ago, twin twin transfusion was a death sentence...now thanks to his diligence, and desire to eradicate this awful condition, it's just another pregnancy road bump.

They operated Thursday, and the entire team was fabulous. They all told me that while I was under for a few moments that I ranted about chips and snoring, but I'm pretty sure they concocted that story pre-surgery and that the whole thing never happened ;) I am a light weight though, so it's highly likely that I would rant about chips. Hello, I'd not eaten in like 15 hours. FOOD people. FOOD.

The entire staff of Hollywood presby was amazing. There were a few communication struggles with varying ethnicities, dialects etc, but nothing we couldn't smooth over with gestures, smiles, thumbs up etc. They were the nicest rounds of nurses I've never had the pleasure of receiving care from to be honest. They ordered Chris meals as well, and gave us a private room, so that he could have a bed, and not just a foldout chair.

Friday, thanks to having no contractions, and my cervix still being in a "normal" range, we were discharged with modified bed rest instructions, two healthier babies, and cured of TTTS. We drove down Sunset Boulevard....all the while, Hugh Jackman singing in my mind. We got to Santa Monica beach, and spent a whole 5 minutes searching for shells for Ava. Then we spent a good 45 minutes going 6 miles down the 405. 30 of those I'm pretty sure were spent on the on-ramp of the 405....at 3pm. Let's just say dear 405, that you cured Chris of any desire he had gotten from wanting to live in CA.

The Bob Hope airport was very nice, and had someone wheel us to our gate. We got home about 1am Saturday, due to a layover in Vegas. I was exhausted. My mom has been taking the kids a few days every week to help give us time to rest. In the middle of all this madness, we've been moving and attempting to get our house ready to sell. What can I say, I live for a challange.

Due to my new bedrest restrictions, we've had to hire out the yard and house cleaning. Ok well kids are now climbing on me...later

HOOT

2011-07-11T21:57:00.004-06:00

Let's face it, I've had a love with owls for ages now. Pam has the most adorable, and soft blanket for Victoria made of Raspberry and Chocolate brown owls, and I'm on the hunt to make my twinners some boy versions--really how do you NOT love this?

I have no idea what we're going to name the little guys, because I really only have 1 boy name that I love. Jeffrey Logan. I'm not sure where Chris stands on that name.
It turns out that having identical twins not only means you get to have a conversation with the fetal medicine doc, but you get to see him on a weekly basis. I guess this time around, I won't really have any issue paying the insane amount that guy gets to bill, because we'll be BFF.
The kids are screaming. It's 10:15pm, I'm barely coherent, and they are screaming, because they don't want to be going to sleep. Seriously. This is insane. I can't wait for us to move and get into a routine again. This limbo thing SUCKS.

2011-07-10T10:16:00.003-06:00

In May, my mom presented me with a voucher for a one night stay to the downtown Hampton Inn, and said it came with a free overnight babysitting. Friday, she came up about 10 am and helped me get things a little less crazy around here. Chris got back about 3pm from studying, and we headed down for our adventure. My mom and the kids played with balloons, play-dough and went to the zoo. Chris and I went to see the International Jazz Festival and had a great time in Salt Lake. It was so nice to just fall asleep and wake up all by myself. I woke up about 8:30, had breakfast and went back to sleep until 11. I felt SO rested. We spent most of Saturday at Weber State so that he could study for a test, and submit some homework. Then we saw Green Lantern. Ryan Reynolds-'nough said.
My kids had so much fun with their "Mimi" they were very sad to see her go.
We have an official move date of Wednesday, 13th.
BIG NEWS....Thanks to some very generous Clearfield 8th Ward folk, I GET TO SEE LINDA EDER NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT!!! She is performing with MOTAB for the Pioneer Celebration Concert. I cannot even put my excitement into words. Cannot.

2011-07-07T11:39:00.002-06:00

Everything has happened so so fast, that I can't really breathe, and it doesn't feel real.

We decided that we needed to sell the house, since he has 2 more semesters left in school (16 credit hours each ughhh) we figured switching jobs isn't really an option until he graduates. Since we had set up an FSA for hospital bills and daycare at the beginning of the year, his paycheck alone is not enough to stay in the house and me be sane. I don't like having a house payment that is more than 35% of our take home. I've been very spoiled the last 5 years having it only 25%--Ramsey is so right on the money with that number. When my job ends, we'll lose a 1/3 of our income and so we're putting the house up for sale. I'm planning to have my replacement trained by the time I reach my 3rd trimester-aka the end of August. Chris's grandma has offered us her large basement apt to use while we have the house for sale. We figured we'd probably move when Chris graduates anyway, and selling a house before having twins seems easier of an option than after.
Joye-Chris's grandma-is insisting that we stay with her until after the twins come home. Shes concerned with Chris's crazy school/work schedule that I will be better there, and as much as I hate to admit it, she's 100% right. She lives just up the hill from the Hospital, and I'm already realizing I can't do our routine of Chris home from 10pm-8am and me handling the house and kids alone anymore. I'll have some help right there with me while he's living at Weber State the next 5 months finishing school.
We've been working very hard to get our "curb appeal" boosted, and have a few projects left on the inside. We plan to move out this weekend (and probably some of next week) massively clean the place, stage it and then list it. That way, the kids can't undo any of the hard work that goes into putting the house on the market. My ability to keep up is long gone, and they have figured it out. Seriously, if I step on ONE MORE BAND-AID WRAPPER. So there you have it.

2011-06-29T15:47:00.004-06:00

So, I decided to do some indoor "to do" items today. Ava's been going through my drawers for tshirts, because she ran out of leggings, and jammies, and refuses to be in anything that isn't made for comfort. This prompted my resolution to climb the laundry mountain. Now, to be fair, I wasn't too far behind. After folding a few loads, I went into her room, and discovered that her drawers were empty, because most of the clothes were shoved under her bed....next to an old pull up. AWESOME. So even though I know she hasn't worn these, the scent of old urine is necessitating a cycle or two through the washer, with maybe a tsp of vinegar just to be sure the odor is abolished. It's been nice not to be doing hard labor. Seriously, I want to be one of those awesome women on HGTV that conquers the house in a 30 minute segment, however, it's just not so. So today, I rejoice in my 75 degree, temperature controlled environment, even if it means many trips up and down the stairs toting baskets of clothing.

Never Ending To Dos....

2011-06-29T10:02:00.002-06:00

We are getting ready to sell the house again. This time, however, we will be leaving and then staging. There is a list that seems never ending in cost and energy to do before we are ready though. But, the upside is that when we're all done, the house should be perfect for the new owners.
Yesterday I power washed the fence. I spent the first...oh 2 hours not realizing I was using the power washer wrong, and only harnessing like 1/2 the power. Yeah. Dumb moment for Deb. Thankfully, Chris came home to check on me, and fixed the problem, and then 2 hours later, the fence was done. I'm sunburned, despite the sunscreen I sprayed on myself.
We also have been working on removing the morning glory. oh morning glory...how truly NOT glorious you are. We've also been cleaning up the rock RV pad and digging up dirt to smooth it out.
Next up is power raking, reseeding and weed n feed for the yard, along with some new flowers to color up the yard.
We'll throw up a fence in a couple of weeks too.
Once we move out, we'll do the inside work. We are hiring out the roof repairs, tile job and putting in a closet in the basement room. I don't even want to see the invoice or bid for that. I just don't. But we both feel that this is the right move for us.

Learning Station

2011-06-26T18:44:00.002-06:00

Just over a month ago, Ava graduated from her first year of preschool with Miss Eve. Ava loved going to her class every Tuesday and Thursday. She learned-beyond just ABCs and writing her name, that listening, and sharing and singing are all vital elements in life. Sadly, we missed registration for the 11-12 year, and so she won't be going back. She misses school so much, and often asks if Miss Eve will come to her birthday party. I miss her preschool too. She's so bored. I have her enrolled to go to Bravo preschool in the fall, but as time goes on, I fear that it will be something we won't be able to fit into the budget. It's 3 days a week and about $100 a month. They really do need scholarships for this stuff. I mean, her Bravo teacher said she was ready for kindergarten, but due to being born in December, she has another year of preschool. Emotionally, she is probably in need of the extra time. Academically, however, she is so ready. It's frustrating. The hardest part is knowing that as a parent, I'm completely unprepared for her being this smart. Seriously. I didn't study early childhood education. I have no idea. So we do workbooks, and worksheets, and read books and sing, but I'm just scared that I'm not offering her what she needs. I knew there'd be drawbacks to marrying such an incredibly brilliant man---really smart kids. Any ideas on what you've been doing to keep your kids brains going during the summer?

2011-06-21T09:49:00.003-06:00

I was looking for the perfect funny to describe what I've been feeling the past few days. I'm working very hard to keep my life away from
where, sadly, I have been many many times before. We have spent the past month really working hard to declutter our lives, and get organized. Now, it's my task to keep it that way. I realized today, that since Simon is up at 6:30, I should probably take advantage of that. Making the bed, folding the laundry, and emptying the dishwasher are much easier to do with only 1 kid awake. Especially when that kid only desires to drink his chocolate milk while watching netflix. (seriously, he may need a 12 step program.) Last night, it took me almost 3 hours to do what my mom could have done in probably 20 minutes. by the end of my day the energy is not there, so I really need to start doing the stuff I hate most, first. The exhausting part, mentally, is knowing that by cleaning the house first, it's bound to get destroyed the moment child #2 joins the fun and she and Simon begin "playing." However, I am starting to put more of the "clean up" jobs in her list of "to do." So, hopefully it'll be routine before I lose the ability to bed over. So here's to a day of laundry, grocery shopping, where the hell is the vacuum, has anyone seen the sun screen, no you're not going outside naked, seriously, put your pants back on kid, man i'm starving-can you pass the bag of bread this way please.....

too tired to blog

2011-06-21T07:55:00.000-06:00

called to serve-the little children

2011-06-20T09:07:00.003-06:00

It catches me off guard all the time how much time has passed. Seriously, I still remember the night, in my apartment back in PA, when I woke in a panic. I had just had the weirdest dream. I was on the floor playing with a beautiful curly hair-blonde toddler. She had the biggest, blue eyes, and cute dimples. Her name was Ava. We were laughing and then the door opened, and I said, "Welcome home honey". As the man's face came into view, my entire self fought my sub-conscious and woke me with a start, as I recognized him as a missionary that had been teaching my friends. I decided right then, that I would no longer be talking to that guy, as I was TOTALLY creeped out, a decision that was easily kept, since he was transferred within a couple of days. I moved back home to be with my sister before she left on her mission, and started thinking about going on a mission myself. I go to my home ward, only to discover that he'd been transferred to my parents ward. Again, totally weirded out. I remember walking up to him and saying "If you end up in my singles ward, I'm going inactive." I'm sure he thought it was a really random comment, as I had never told him of my freaky dream. I didn't see him after that. A year later, when he went home, he began to email me, and I was taking missionary prep classes. My 21st birthday was only a month away, and my papers were nearly done. I had been a ward missionary for months, and wanted nothing more than to serve a mission. We began calling each other, and he became my best friend. He asked me to come out for a visit, and told me that he was falling in love with me. I put the date out about a month, figuring by then he'd lose interest. But the end of June came, and I found myself panicked. WHAT THE HECK HAD I BEEN THINKING? Sure I'd known him for a few months while he was on a mission, but I was about to spend a WEEK 2,000 miles from home with his family. What if they were total freaks? What if they hated me? What if I had to come to terms with the idea that he meant more to me than I was ready for?
I'm pretty sure that my little girl had so much to do with me getting out of my own way. I was never going to be the girl that fell for the missionary. I was definitely not going to move to UTAH ever. But here we are almost 6 years later, and I'm happier than I could have ever imagined. I know our life is never how we plan it to be, but somehow it's better than I could have etched myself. I cried the night I realized I wasn't going to be going on my mission that year. I cried when I told him I accept his proposal. And sometimes, when I hear a home coming talk from a sister, I still cry. But I turn to see this little girl, the little girl that visited me often in my dreams while we were engaged, to keep me temple worthy, and to remind me that she was waiting for me, and her daddy, and I realize that I had a greater, and much longer mission that the Lord had been preparing me for.

How do I not love you?

2011-06-17T20:05:00.001-06:00

Seriously.

Sarcastic Journalist-

2011-06-14T16:27:00.001-06:00

I love to read the entries of the sarcastic journalist on babygaga.com

Being pregnant with twins is amazing, and I swear puts every symptom about 2 weeks ahead of schedule. So many hormones. Lately, I've been emotionally unstable. Seriously. I'm pretty sure I beat Simon this week in tantrums and it's only Tuesday. My poor kids. Anyway, I've been thinking about doing water aerobics. Every day I've been walking a mile. (1/2 mile each way to holt) with my kids at the minimum. Seriously, it kicks my butt. The energy is just not there. That's why this article today really had me rollin. I'm 13 weeks 3 days

Just enough energy to FREAK OUT

“They” say that your energy should start coming back during the second trimester. For me, having “energy” meant having the ability to get off the couch and make it to the kitchen to get the cookies instead of asking someone else to do it for me.

After a first trimester where rearranging the pillow behind my head seemed like too much effort, I would take any type of energy I could. That’s why, at 15 weeks, I joined a gym.

Getting anything done at the gym often took more effort than the activity I planned on doing. First I’d have to pee about five times, just to make sure I had it all out. Then, I’d weigh myself. I’d have a sip of water. Oh wait, I’d have to pee again.

Eventually, I’d make it to the workout area or the pool, depending on what activity I had planned for that day. Once there, I’d have my hormonal freakout because either the TVs were tuned to the “wrong” station or annoying children were playing in my swim lane.

At one point, I actually had to give myself a “time out” so I wouldn’t cause permanent damage to the young boys playing Marco Polo.

Sure, exercise can produce “endorphins” that might help with all the pregnancy “hormones,” but dealing with all the wahoos at the gym sure cancelled them out.

I guess I love you, baby that's that

2011-06-02T14:01:00.003-06:00

I was feeling kind of blue today, what with the never ending flooding at our home + predicted 80 degree days being a 60 something degree day + having to be in the office and my house a constant chaos due to losing 600 square feet of space....I really could go on, because whining is my #1 trait...

but then something awesome happened

I got a text that said...TURN AROUND. and suddenly, this guy was in my office

and he said, let's OSAKA. Now, I'm not supposed to be eating raw fish at the moment, but I told myself that "smoked salmon" is better than raw Redsnapper and ordered the philly roll.
Oh man. Now, I've become a huge fan of Nigiri sushi lately, but this roll was so divine. A lot of die hard sushi eaters hate rolls that are fully of added things like avacado, cream cheese, cucumber, tempura etc, but I'm a lover of all kinds.

We then had mango and strawberry mochi ice cream. I couldn't find an awesome enough photo to put on here. but trust me in that it is truly heavenly.

This week may have been hard, and long...but today I had a great, unexpected lunch date with my love, and tomorrow I get to watch a production of Les Mis live in Salt Lake with my mom and sis and nana.

And while Colm Wilkinson will not be our Jean Valjean, I will be in awe, all the same. *disclaimer, I would just like to add that Colm Wilkinson is my all time favorite portray-er of Jean Valjean.* Things are looking up...

2011-05-09T10:18:00.000-06:00

i am an awful blogger

2011-05-06T08:45:00.005-06:00

Masterpiece Images in Ogden did our Cope family photos. I love them. Here is one of all of the Cope grandkids. You cannot believe the editing that went into creating this photo. Ryan and Brooke are the best in the business. Special thanks to Becca, who gave everyone color themes for the photo. They turned out so adorable. We really look like a magazine family! Seriously, this many attractive kids in one family--we're breaking some kind of rule. Here's to the next generation of Cope kids. Travis--you should think about changing your last name to Cope--just sayin.

2011-04-05T16:18:00.002-06:00

I want to be a great photographer. Not just someone who gets randomly lucky shots from time to time, or who can take them into a digital darkroom and make them so distracting you can't really tell at a glance, that the photo wasn't very good to start with.

I want to be great. I want to be Ryan at Masterpiece Images. Confident that posing 10 adults, and 6 kids -3 of them being 2 year olds with no patience for family photos--will be easy, relaxing, and not at all a candidate for a Xanex day. I had to pop a Xanex to even sleep the night before, and I was only supposed to just stand where he put me.
I want to know how to pose people. To understand the perfect fstop for the shot and where exposure settings should be set. And walk around with my little light meter and understand how to use it and what it does. To open the manual and actually comprehend what the writer is trying to teach me, instead of getting a headache and tossing it aside.

I don't want to fake my way through this. I don't want to be just another wanna-be with a crap load of money invested into equipment she doesn't understand. I want to be GREAT. And it's heartbreaking every time I realize how far I am from that day. Dramatical phrase, but true all the same. I want to create beauty, to capture it. To freeze the most random moments in others lives, that are truly the most amazing.

family picture outfits for becca review

2011-04-01T09:42:00.002-06:00

Ava will be wearing

Simon will be wearing

Since Chris and I are in solids, is it ok that they are both in plaid, or should Simon have like a solid red polo? Ideas?

2011-03-11T12:13:00.002-07:00

So, weight loss...not so much. Weight maintenance I have down. Too bad my body is maintaing a weight that is considered 2lbs off of 'obese' for my height. I don't feel obese. I mean, I can wear size 8 pants....how is that obese. I think they need to look at those numbers again. Would I love to lose 20 pounds? Heck to the yes. But, after talking with my sister about her struggles the past 4 years, my odds don't look great. She has been gaining 5 pounds every year, despite the fact that she's a health nut and a crazy lady that runs many many miles a day. It seems to be a genetic issue, as you can see the trend in my other sister, mother, etc. horomones. i tell ya. I won't give up, but it sucks to work so hard for maintenance. My doctor actually suggested I take Alli. Alli--the poop drug. Somehow I am not enticed by the reviews. Gross. Also, fatty food intake isn't my issue. I eat fairly well. I mean, sure, I have my indulgences, but on the whole I'm conscious about what I put into my body. Also, he pretty much welcomed me to middle age. I want to remind him that i'm turning 27, not 47. I'm quarter aged thanks!

Landon Baptism, by Deb Cope

2011-02-26T00:05:00.001-07:00

I'd like to share my Walgreens Photo Center photos with you. Once you have checked out my photos you can order prints and upload your own photos to share.

level 3

2011-02-24T08:45:00.001-07:00

I went through the whole shred dvd yesterday. Level 3 is my favorite. It came easiest to me. My clothes are fitting looser, but the $#%#$# scale won't go down. My first "official" weigh in for the contest is March 1st. I'm supposed to be at 150. Who wants to tell my scale it needs to cooperate so that I can win $100?

goal 1- 6 days away

2011-02-23T13:06:00.002-07:00

My first weight loss goal was to be at 150 by March 1st. I am putting this here as another form of accountability. AF is in town, so it may be a battle, but I am going to give it my best to get there. It would be a 6.25% weight loss.

Currently, I'm down 2.5%, so there's only 3.75% to go.

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, "You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers." ~Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

lovin it.

2011-02-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

last night 8:45 pm. Started level 1 30 day shred with Chris. Then continued to level 2. Hard 45 minutes man. then 5:30am for Rock Solid with Kira. I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm happy with myself.
Chris has committed to do level 1 with me every night, and then I'll keep going on my own as far as I can.

14 days

2011-02-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

I will be on this ship with my love, Chris. and we will be headed to NASSAU, BAHAMAS!

weigh in day

2011-02-15T07:54:00.003-07:00

photo take February 1st
photo taken February 15.

Well, I'm on 1480 calories a day. And working out twice a day. I'm down 4 pounds

The next 18 days

2011-02-12T09:15:00.003-07:00

The routine

Monday 5:30am-Rock Solid with Angie (favorite instructor)
Monday 8pm-Fat Blasting Yoga DVD

Tuesday 8pm-30 Day Shred full video

Wednesday 5:30am-Aquatic Center 30 minutes cardio (eliptical) 20 minutes weight room stretch
Wednesday 8pm-Fat Blasting Yoga

Thursday 8pm-30 day Shred full video

Friday 5:30am-Rock Solid with Kira
Friday 8pm-cardio (treadmill)

Saturday-Yoga

Sunday REST

Calorie intake 1469. Let's blast this log jam WIDE OPEN

six weeks

2011-02-11T11:25:00.005-07:00

It's been six weeks. Six weeks of food adjusting. Six weeks of minimum 3 killer workouts/week...sometimes 5-6. Six weeks of drowning myself in water. Six weeks of saying no to sugar when my entire being screams YES! six weeks of wanting to throw my scale out the window, because it doesn't budge.

six weeks. and nothing. quitting gets me even less than that though, so I'm going to keep fighting. maybe week 7, 8 or 9 will be the week of change in this stubborn body. I have 2 weeks and 6 days before I step onto my first cruise ship, headed for Nassau, Bahamas. I want to be at 150. My goal was to lose 8 pounds this month. March 1, the scale needs to reach below 151. I don't care if it's 150.9.

Mixing it up by adding 30 day shred to the routine. My arms are killing me. My left shoulder is really hurting these days, but I think a trip to the chiropractor may help. I'm also going to have my thyroid checked, to see if maybe something is up chemically that is making this journey seem so incredibly impossible. I've done this before. Last year, I lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks though. I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't blogged about it. I want results. I want to know that all this pain and sacrifice is worth something tangible.

Are You Kidding ME?

2011-01-29T09:43:00.002-07:00

Listen body. We've been getting up at 5am for nearly a month now. Working out and drinking gallons of water, eating handfuls of raw almonds, and cutting out the sugar. The fact that we are STILL weighing in at 157.8 is UNACCEPTABLE. Biggest loser for the board starts February 1st. You'd better start losing the fat weight at a faster rate than adding the muscle weight. Seriously. I will go rouge and put you on 2 protein shakes a day. I will do it. This is not a joke.

tri what?

2011-01-28T10:09:00.002-07:00

I don't think that I ever really have exercised my tricepts before. EVER. Want to know how i know this? Because they BURN and SHAKE and make me cry like a baby every time I do a set in my Rock Solid class. It's getting better. Today I could make it until the last one. I did my first set with 2 8 pound weights, because I had no idea that was what we were moving to. Yeah lady. Deb needs her 1 pound 5 for those, or you're going to have her in the fetal position by set 2.
Today, we had 3 people in our class. Friday is a really bare day at the gym. I don't get it. Friday is the easiest day for me to be up. Today's instructor had us go onto the track to do 30 minutes of lunges and squats. Yeah. 1/2 way through who comes walking around the track, but my next door neighbor and guy across the street. yeah, as we're squatting for 1/4 of the track with our faces to the wall and butts to the audience. So awkward. I was not excited about moving from the cool, well ventilated, very private aerobic room to the gym that is public, and smells like 13 year old boys. I did get a good sweat, and workout, but it was only a 2 minute stretch and cool down, and I don't think that's very wise. Other trainers do 50 minutes workout 5-10 minute cool down so that you stretch it all well. Whine whine whine. Ok Ava has woken time to get back to the mom thing.

weigh in day

2011-01-25T10:20:00.001-07:00

157.
Three weeks. gym. eating habits changing. pain. sweat. 5am. and 157. I'm crazy irritated.

the habit is being formed

2011-01-22T09:23:00.002-07:00

So when I heard Simon crying this morning, it wasn't so painful to be up and out of bed at 6am. Thankfully, he went back to sleep next to Chris once I changed him and gave him milk. This happens 1 out of every 100000000000 mornings. Rare. I then had the energy to be up. It was a little weird. I switched the laundry. And then my body was like...OK GYM TIME. I didn't go, because my gym clothes were very stinky and next in line for the washer. So I went downstairs to the air matress and forced myself to lie there a while. I hadn't gotten to bed until almost midnight, and, even though I got a KILLER nap yesterday, I knew I'd need a little extra down time to make it through this day. It's nice to know that I'm getting used to the early up and moving routine. It's definitely taken a while.
This morning, Chris and I made breakfast together. This also doesn't happen often, as he's usually getting ready to head out while I made the food. he was going to leave at 6am again today, but has decided to wait until 10. He hasn't seen the kids all week with his 6am to 12am study/work schedule. They are loving every moment. Me too. We made eggs with green peppers, mushrooms, sundried tomato turkey and cheese. SO SO GOOD. He even added redhot when they were out of the pan. He knows me so well. Eggs are the best way for me to start my day, but can get so boring. Adding the veggies made a HUGE difference.
Last night, the kids and I played together. I had taken a 2 hour nap, and they took about 2.5 hours. I was able to play in their world, with their energy level. It was amazing. The stories she comes up with and the whole world she imagines. Simon played along as the police officer. He'd pick up a baby and stroke it with a smile "bubee, buhbee" It was really sweet. We played for almost 2 hours down there. And we cleaned the toy room in the process. VICTORY! I hope to be able to have more moments like that. More naps for mom :)
Well, it's time to put away laundry and shower and take over so that Chris can get in his studying. We may even go on a date tonight. We're wild.

2011-01-21T12:16:00.002-07:00

I almost slept through my workout today. After the 3rd time the alarm went off, I got up to turn it off, thinking it was Chris's alarm-totally forgetting that I had set one of my own. I blinked...5:15, why is Chris getting up an hour early? OH CRAP. HE'S NOT, I AM.
I ran around like a crazy lady looking for socks, water, bottle, bra, etc and Mary and I got to the gym at 5:35. I walked into the Friday Rock Solid class to a new instructor-who was filling in-and only one other person. I had no warm up, as they start at 5:30 sharp. I went right into 8 pound free weight triceps workout. WOW. THAT SUCKED. ALOT. The trainer today, is usually the spin instructor, and has no mercy. It was 55 minutes of pain. shaking. light headedness. sweat. grunting. and all around great workout. I know it had to be great, because I'm exhausted and sore and used muscles I wasn't even aware existed.
On the one hand, I'm grateful she was a sub, on the other, I bet she'd be one heck of a personal trainer. I have yet to lose any weight. I think being home and overly stresesd with the home, work, kids wanting my 24 hour attention at the same time leads me to junk eating and stress isn't really conducive to weight loss.
Audrey came and baby sat the kids for about 90 minutes last night so that I could get out of the house. I went grocery shopping. I know, I'm wild. I got 90% veggies. Here's to healthier eating. Now, if it would please warm up so that i'm not running to the cocoa that would be grand.
Also, could someone please call Super nanny for me? Simon can't say my name without SCREAMING it and I really don't want to spend the next 10 years that way. REALLY!

Sisters 38 Weeks 1.19.2011

2011-01-20T08:14:00.002-07:00

Special thanks to Pam and Kris-our sisters who are currently 38 weeks pregnant. Music "Ooh La-la-dee-dah" is from Aaron Ashton's album Split the Difference and can be purchased here
If you have the ability to play the video in 1080p I would choose that setting as the playback, as it is much nicer, and the format which I exported the movie. Thanks!

now that's dedication

2011-01-19T06:50:00.002-07:00

So, for the first time in a week, I made it back to the aquatic center. Let me tell you, the idea of going back to bed was ultra tempting, as I turned off the alarm. I looked out my window, and saw the light on across the street, and knew that just wasn't an option. Thank you, Mary, for being diligent so that I will be diligent. I did 15 minutes on the eliptical. 7 minutes forward. 7 back. I know that sounds wimpy, but seriously I was bored out of my mind at minute 1. I need to remember to bring music or something.
From there, I went to the weight room. I pulled some 5 pound weights and went into the hallway. I began my lunges, with curls and arm presses, like we used to do in the warehouse last January. Of course, I was using 12 pounders last year. I doubled my reps of arm curls and presses, to make up for my wimpy 5 pound ability. Need to build back up. As I'm half way down the hall, a trainer past me and said "Wow~ lunges in the hallway with weights, now THAT'S dedication." I couldn't tell if he was serious or not, so I just laughed and said "It's the only way I know." He commented, "No, really. It's best out here." and kept walking. I guess yeay me?!
I don't feel as awesomely worked out as I do after Rock Solid class, but I'm not as sore either. I did 15 minutes doing 3 reps of 10 on different weight machines. All the while, I'm picturing this self I saw in a dream this weekend. The self that fits her pants. I know she's there. I just have to whittle away the damage I've done.
St. George was so much fun. We hiked Zions. We played in Snow Canyon. Mom and I walked the outlets for nearly 3 hours. You wanna talk sore feet? Oh my gosh. Oh and the hips. Yeah, it was a workout ;)
Friday is a rocksolid class. Maybe I'll take an Ibuprofen as I walk out the door. Is that bad? No more sleeping in. No more excuses. And definitely no more staying up past 10. If I want to succeed I need a solid 8 hours of sleep. Exhaustion and stress are not conducive to weight loss.

2011-01-14T13:43:00.003-07:00

So i skipped the gym...again. I looked out my window at 5am. Snow. Ice. No plows yet. I decided that it was not happening. So, this afternoon I took the liberty of spending a good 45 minutes on snow and ice removal. We hate shoveling snow. Obviously. So, we had about an inch of ice on most of our driveway. It gave me a great sweaty workout. Now I need to clean out the car and get the oil changed. Oh yah baby, we be heading to St. George. W00t! so....enough blogging.

oh ps.

Thank you to my mother and sister. My sis had to get some lab work done up here, so they stopped by. KK played with Simon for 2 hours (now he's napping to recover) and my mom mopped my kitchen floor, did the dishes...vaccuumed, and played a few rounds of GO FISH! with Ava and me. It was a great morning. I was able to focus on work, and knew my kids were having a blast with their aunt and mimi.

honey, i'm home.

2011-01-13T18:56:00.003-07:00

I came home tonight to a fabulous dinner-compliments of Nana Joye-and an immaculate upstairs, compliments of Chris and Ava says she helped too. I can't even tell you. 4 hour marketing meeting-which was one of the best we've ever had in my opinion, but still long, and coming in from the freezing rain to happy kids, a hubby kiss and a clean house. I think most of what this impressed upon me, is how wonderful it must be for Chris on the nights he comes home that life isn't insane. That dinner is ready. The house is clean. The kids aren't whiny. It doesn't happen often, but I should make sure it does. It really is so nice. Chris worked from home today, so that I could attend my marketing meeting in Sandy.
We are thinking of going to St. George for the weekend, since we don't work Monday, but Ava isn't quite well yet, and I'm wondering is she sick, or is the air making her sick?!! No idea. Maybe I'm just being selfish, because I want the sun, and temps above freezing.
I need to be sure to get my butt out of bed tomorrow for the Rock Solid class at 5:30. I have been SO tired lately, but I'm guessing it has more to do with my grey sky induced depression, than anything. I know if I can get up and out that I'll feel better and empowered and -sore-when I get home. Those are all better than groggy and depressed and cabin fevered.
I'm so grateful for all that we have. We are so incredibly blessed. I forget that sometimes, but we truly are. We have 2 great kids. A wonderful supportive family. 2 jobs with benefits. A home that keeps us protected from the elements and extra cash to splurge now and then. I need to focus more on our haves and less on our have nots (tickets to the Bahamas etc)

2011-01-11T18:57:00.003-07:00

I'm sort of wondering how I'm supposed to be able to work out in 10 hours, when I can barely bend over. I know that this is a good thing. Being this sore means I had a great workout, and left everything I had in that gym. I am tempted to go tomorrow to do laps, instead of a treadmill. I think my body needs a low impact day, and I know laps will definately give my heart a good workout. That's what cardio is all about right? Getting the heart rate up? Maybe I'll do 15 on the machine and 30 in the pool.
I've been REALLY dizzy this afternoon. Not sure what that's all about.

I'm trying not to let it bother me that I've gained weight since last week. I hit 156. I have to remind myself that it's not about the scale numbers, but about the inches, and being able to you know, where my clothes. I'm bummed that I have to wait to see tonight's BL numbers. If you watch and want to leave me spoilers, I'm ok with that ;)

i want my mommy

2011-01-11T10:47:00.002-07:00

the pain. oh my gosh the pain. my hamstrings are hating life today. And I'm unbelievably tired. Ava is home sick today. She seems to have gotten the fever virus that Chris and Simon had last week. She had a fever when I picked her up yesterday from school, and fell asleep about 5:30 last night. I put some Miralax in her chocolate milk this morning, because she's said her tummy hurts, and her teacher thinks she may be a little backed up. Hopefully that was a good idea. We'll know soon enough.
So my chicken enchiliada crockpot dinner made about 12 pounds of filling-if anyone wants some. it's super yummy. yesterday, we put it over chips and added cheese instead of tortillas.
Oh miralax is successful and she says her tummy feels better.w00t!
Ok well Simon is reillustrating Go Dog Go! So, time to log off the blog and back into motherhood.

day 2

2011-01-10T08:52:00.004-07:00

Last night, I probably only slept 2-4 hours. I couldn't get into a deep sleep, and then Ava came in about 2am and kicked me until I got out of bed at 5.
I decided to try the Rock Solid class at the aquatic center this morning. OH MY GOSH. I am so so so so sore. I feel good too though. I will be sticking with this hour long weight/cardio class, and it will make me awesome. It's only taught Monday and Fridays. Wednesday will be my dreaded cardio day. Elliptical, bike that kills the knee and booty and 20 minutes in the weight room on the machines.
I went to Maverick to grab milk for the kids and picked up a Banana Muscle Milk, since I ran out of my premium protein shakes. man. It was gross. I had to plug my nose to guzzle it down. I knew I should have just whipped up egg whites. 25 g protein. 10 g carbs. To do: Get my butt to costco to buy more Premium protein shakes. They are way yummier and 30 g protein with 5 g carbs.
So, I figure I'll be rubbed down with icy/hot or ben gay or something tonight, because I'm so so sore, which means tomorrow will probably be awful, because the 2nd day is always worse.
For dinner, I threw chicken into the crockpot with enchilada sauce, Rotel tomatoes with chilis and cream of chicken soup. On low, until 5...should be good right? I'll top it with some cheese and mix in some black beans about 30 minutes before it's time to eat and mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm.
Lunch? I'm thinking Carb Smart yogurt 12 g protein 4 g carbs. The carrot cake is so so so good and really helps my sweet tooth feel satisfied. Carrots and ranch dip. chris left me some premium protein shakes to get me through today *love* and so I'll have one of those. 30 g protein 5 g carbs. and if I'm still hungry, a sun dried tomato and pepper-jack cheese sandwich. i save my carbs for bread!!!! mm bread!!! I don't count the carbs in veggies btw, because they have high fiber-which offsets them, and the vitamins and minerals I need. Should I vary from this plan, I am bound to write down what I ate. It will help hold me accountable. Seriously, for hurting this bad from a workout that awesome, I don't' want to fight against myself with my hand to mouth disorder. I want to be healthy again. I want to be able to zip my pants again!

UPDATE
So, when I went to drop off Ava this morning, Bravos! Easy Meal fridge was fully stocked with like 5 different dinner options. They make these AMAZING meals and sell them for $14 and they take 6 minutes in the microwave and are SOOOOOO DELICIOUS. They had a 4 cheese mac & cheese with ham. I was tempted truly. I could almost taste it in my mouth. I'm so glad I had started dinner before leaving today, and had lunch food here, so that I could walk away from it. Today is the only day I take Ava to Bravo! so I only have to resist it one more time. Oh man. I really really really wanted it. But it would totally undo the hour of hell I put my body through this morning. So...no. I won't. I will eat my chicken and avoid the pasta.

day 1

2011-01-07T07:01:00.002-07:00

So, at 5:10am I found the alarm and somehow turned it off. I crept around the house, getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and out the door by 5:15. Amazingly, as cold as it is at 5:15, I'm not sure it's that much warmer at any other part of the day. frigid is frigid. Mary came out and we headed to the aquatic center. about 15 minutes of our 'workout' time was eaten up by me getting a membership. I didn't realize so much paperwork was involved or I would have done it another time. But it's done and I officially have a reason to be there 4 days a week. They offer a rock solid toning class that I peeked in on a few times at 5:30 and I might join that. It looked just up my ally. you know me, the less time spent doing the cardio, the happier I am. We did about 20 minutes cardio and 15 in the weight room. That's right. We owned that weight room. Luckily, Mary has been there a few times and knew what to do with the machines, and helped me look less redic than usual. But I know that if I could do it today, after having no sleep the past 2 nights, then there's no reason I can't continue on from here. So, look out world. You're about to be owned.

2011-01-06T19:59:00.002-07:00

Ava and I finally made the batch of cookies I've been promising for --oh at least a month. It's not that I don't like baking cookies--it's that I'm not a great baker, and mix a 4 year old in with my lack of awesomeness and it's a bit of a disaster. They turned out better than they have in a LONG time. When I was pregnant with Simon, I baked cookies at least once a week. Resulting in the 180 pound Deb in the last trimester. I haven't made a decent batch since. Must be that the dough knows I don't want to make it, and don't love it. Love is key in cooking. So they say.
I should be putting the kids in bed, I'm just not sure I have it in me. The energy required to put 2 kids to bed, is off the charts. Even and sometimes ESPECIALLY when they're really tired. Maybe I'll just bundle them up and drive and drive and drive until they snore. Do I trust myself to stay awake through that drive is the question. Maybe if I fall asleep first...they'll follow along? ha. Or I'll wake up to my house on fire and my kids missing various limbs. Yeah, bad idea. the kids should fall asleep first...so enough blogging and off to wrestle up the courage to end a playdate, jammie up the kiddos and do this bed time thing!

2011-01-06T13:19:00.003-07:00

So Mary and I will start hitting the aquatic center at 5:15am three days a week. We must be nuts. Simon little guy--has had a weird virus. It hit Monday night, and he's had 3 days of high fevers, that break and then come right back with 102.8 temps. He's been miserable, and can't sleep. I was up with him from about 2am to 5am and then he was back up at 6 with Chris. I took him to Urgent care and was told it's just a virus that would need to run its course. Sad. At the very least, I am grateful for Ibuprofen, that keeps him from cooking inside out.
I made dinner with Angie Monday and Tuesday, and then last night, Chris and I ate 5 guys. so good. Yeah, I know, not so helpful toward my weight loss program. but, i love them anyway. tonight, I think we'll have chicken. or maybe I'll make my taco soup. mmmmmmm that does sound good. Ok I'm off to defrost turkey. Can someone get me a speed? Because there are 3.5 more hours to my 'work day' and another 3 after that until bed time for my kids. Will there be a bedtime for Simon? Oh please. please let there be a long, 12 hour night for us all. ok not me, because I am going to be getting up at 5:00am to work out, but for the kids. 8-8. and me. 9-5.

season 11 of biggest loser

2011-01-05T14:15:00.002-07:00

This year, Chris and I are tracking our progress with BL. We've both put on about 10 pounds so far this winter. UGH. So, stay tuned. I am back up into the 150s. *sigh* 153.4 to be precise. Melissa handed off some work pants to me a month ago that all fit like a dream. Now, ....not so much.
So, once a week, I'll post the weight. Send me inspiration. If you'd like to work out with me, call. Buddies always make more progress together than apart.

dream a little dream of...

2011-01-04T10:42:00.003-07:00

I'm having the most incredidbly vivid dreams lately of the most random people. Some I know in real life, some actors from various movies. It's hard to tell reality from subconscious fantasy at times. I find it interesting, however, that whenever my fanatsy sends me to be adoring to someone other than Chris, my dream self struggles with that truth and suddenly knows that it's not reality she's facing. Inception stuff man. w000000000

While in my grocery excursions last night, I left my set of keys at Smiths. I know. Awesome. That's what I get about being paranoid if chris's smiths tag was the same as mine. I drove his car, because it was warm, and mine was frigid. 14 degrees while I was out last night. 1-4. redic. uncalled for. bitterness. So, today Simon did not go to daycare, and I didn't have to juggle preschool, daycare, office, daycare, preschool, home. Maybe my subconscious did it on purpose? No way of every knowing I'm sure.

I'm looking for photography practice. So, if you don't mind having my camera in your face or in your kids face, let me know. I need to shoot at least 5 times a week, and edit 3-4 times a week to keep my brain going and my skills growing. I have a maternity shoot this week. I'm terrified. Like, really scared. This isn't really a shoot you can 'do over' if things don't turn out right--as the girls I'm photographing are in the last month of pregnancy. If I mess up, they could go into labor the next day, and no doc would stop them. And I would have missed the chance to capture this time of their life. Yeah. Pressure. CAN'T BREATHE.

grocery-go-getter

2011-01-03T22:36:00.003-07:00

10:36pm. I wonder if any chiropractors are open at this hour. It's unlikely. Last night, after the extremely unnecessarily long viewing of Eat Pray Love, my mind wouldn't shut up. I think it was revenge for my body making my mind endure the entirety of Eat Pray Love. I moved to the couch, which always, for no reason I can comprehend, helps my mind to quit racing and allow me to sleep. Now, my body aches.
I pushed through, however, and took the kids to 'school.' went to work. picked the kids up. spent the evening with Angie *yeay for bff time* and then headed to 3 different grocery stores, while Chris battled getting Ava to bed. I'm pretty sure his job was more exhausting than mine.
First, was Winegars, for the $1.59.lb boneless, skinless chicken sale. Honestly, I hate their sale. Why? Because it's RAW. and THAWED. so I have to repack and freeze myself. I much prefer Reams sale, because they are already flash frozen, however it's been a YEAR since I've seen it advertised, so I jumped at the Winegars sale. Ok, not so much jumped, as just figured why not.
Next, it was off to WinCo. I love the sundried tomato turkey deli meat. It's ruined all other deli meats (aside from Pepperoni) for me. They were closing down and only had just over a pound left. So I took it. Grabbed an insane amount of 1.88 fruit snacks for the pantry reserve, and other...stuff I can't remember and on to Smiths.
Smiths--the genious of allowing me to load electronic coupons onto my card. You know what I wish, I wish the Register coupons also just loaded to my card, because those things are annoying. They roll everywhere, and I never remember to take them back with me, or that I have them in the first place. Let's move to making those instant savings loaded onto the card for next time eh Smiths?
Well, Chris is attempting sleep, Ava is talking to herself *how is she still awake?* and I'm trying to brace myself for tomorrow--8:00 am I have to have both kids dressed and ready for the day--oh dear heavens, please please help me.

pass the ludens

2011-01-02T17:31:00.004-07:00

Due to 2-3 various vicious colds, our little family has been away from church meetings for almost 2 months. I swear every Saturday, I'd be feeling so much better, and then Sunday morning, I'd be back at square one of the cold with at least one of the kids. Even this morning, my throat was totally swollen and sore, even though a few hours earlier, it had been fine. I decided since I wasn't hacking up a lung, we'd go. It was nice to be back. 11am church. glorious. Still crazy ....crazy to get out of the house in time, but I'm a lot less crabby.
I appreciated the testimonies of everyone today. I've had my own personal strugglings the past couple of months. My heart wrestling my mind. No doubts, just....battles. Figuring out where my strengths, if any, are vs. the weaknesses. The Lord will bring me through this time, if I but put aside my stubborn ways, and just allow Him to do the leading for a while. It is tempting thought. I'm exhausted from trying to forge my own path. It's not that I don't want the path He tries to direct me toward, more like a teenage rebellion, of , Oh YEAH! Well, I can get there just fine using THIS path. We'll see who gets there first. Well, at this rate, I'm not sure I'd get there at all. So, here's to surrendering. Or, at the very least, an attempt to surrendering my will to His.
Chris begins another semester tomorrow. 4 months ahead of early mornings, late nights, and few and far between dates. I know we can do this, because this Fall, he kept a schedule of like 6am-10pm, and got straight As, despite taking time out to help me through the loss of our baby. I just need to remain strong. If I can be strong, and keep things running here, he can have the assurance that he can go and do what he needs to in school and work. They all say that 'one day, this will all pay off.' If I lose faith in all else, I hope to keep my faith in Chris. He will go on to do so many great things--but first, the logical things, like getting a degree (insert exasperated sigh). So now, on to Laundry. Dinner preparations. Budgeting for the Month. and other great tasks that loom in the world of motherhood.

Resolving to...

2011-01-01T12:42:00.002-07:00

Not get pregnant in 2011. I know this may seem odd, but if you break it down, I've had a pregnancy every other year. In 2006 April, I found out we were pregnant with Ava. In Sept of 2007, I had a miscarriage due to an IUD coming out of place. In the summer of 2008, we found out we were pregnant with Simon, after a 2nd miscarriage. I had Simon in 2009--so clearly, I was pregnant in 2009. 2010, miscarriage at 12 weeks, carried the baby for almost 2 full weeks before finding out it was no longer growing. I'm still recovering from this on a variety of levels. So dear 2011, let's be pregnant free. Let's give the old body and mind and heart some down time to recover from the mess of hormones. Let's have birth control that actually functions. This is #1. This is vital. I know, I know...Mindy talked about September that we could all do another pregnancy together, but...I'm not sure I could bare it if I lost another pregnancy, and had to watch my sister-in-laws progress in theirs. I'm going through that now. It sucks. A lot. It's like a constant reminder that something went wrong with my baby. Not that I was ready to have her, but it's still incredibly difficult to experience. March cannot come soon enough. So, good luck to you in the fall ladies, but I am 99% positive, I'll be sitting this one out.
Being honest about when I'm in over my head, and to ask for help. I spent a good amount of 2010 literally crazy. Chemically imbalanced, and thought I could just 'deal.' It took me a pregnancy, and losing that pregnancy to realize that I cannot do it all. So, if I tell you, no, or I ask for help...it's because I'm at my max of what sanity allows. I want to be a happy and sane person for my kids and my husband and for myself. My kids are in daycare 3 days a week. A place I never wanted them to be. But they are happy there. I am happier here-from what others have told me. It gives me a break from 'mom.' It gives them an environment that allows them to be as creative and social as they desire. It's not for forever, but for now. I can still multitask, but choose to keep it to a minimum, so that I allow focus to actually exist.

If I can keep those, then 2011 will be full of other resolutions of less importance. I, of course, have a million other things, growing my photography knowledge and skills, learning to cook food I actually like eating, working out on a regular basis again...but I figure those will come if I can keep the other two goals strong. A trip to PA in the spring, and one in the fall for shorty's wedding. This will be a great year.

PINK 4TH BIRTHDAY

2011-01-01T12:23:00.004-07:00

After 3 days of rain, it began snowing about 3pm on Wednesday. I went into Carters with Pam running from the rain, and came out 20 minutes later to about an inch of snow. It took us over an hour to get from Riverdale, to Layton to pick up the kids, and back home to Clearfield. I had so many great ideas of how to suprise Ava for when she got home, but that dang snow ate up all that time, and so, I began to delegate. Chris ordered a round pink cake from Winegars--yeay to them for not needing 24 hours. Thank you so much! :)
Angie hunted for ponies to put on the cake. THANK YOU!
pam and Steve stayed with the kids, so that I could go pick up the cake and balloons, and some dinner. Despite the crazy snow storm, Sandi, Pam, Steve, Mike-the little German man, Matt, Madison and Colty were all able to come for a party for Ava.
Thank you to Pam who cut the intensely pink cake-that we all decided was dangerously pink. I've never seen anything so pink in my life.
All she wanted was PINK. Pink icecream. Pink Cake. Pink balloons. and orange. and purple. and some yellow.
I think overall it was a great party. She even got a sleepover, because I wouldn't even let Pam think about driving back to Provo in the messy weather. Thanks to Matt for games and an air mattress. Thanks to Mike for making yummy German breakfast, that I've continued to eat non stop. Crepes > size 6 butt. Seriously. Crepes also = greater than size 6 butt coincidentally ;)
Gifts:
A bike!!! from me and Chris. I have to say that I was hoping for FAR MORE excitement. But I guess that's what happens when you give it 1. not built. and 2. in the winter.
Make up kids-from Madison. I've received countless mani and pedis since. Barbie Nail Polish. ROCK!
A Helmet and knee pads (I think) and new sheets from Granni and Poppa. The sheets have the new Tinkerbell fairy and her friends. Great for Spring!
Play dough and a hippity-hop from Simon. He's such a thoughtful brother. ;)

Here are some photos of the night!

After the dust has settled

2010-12-27T13:41:00.005-07:00

I wasn't going to do this. I was going to be in control. I had a plan. I had a budget. So, why, oh why am I afraid to log into my mint.com and face how very RED my Christmas budget bar will be? January is a time for resolutions. A time for change. and Thank the heavens, because oh my gosh...ikea blew my budget out of the WATER!

I became obsessed with the idea Chris had of changing his office into the playroom as a way for the kids to find Christmas morning. I stayed up until 4am on the 23rd and 24th to get everything perfect. It was worth it? It was worth it! I love it. It's adorable. I slept almost all of Sunday afternoon. Getting 4 hours of sleep over the coarse of 2 days, whilst battling a horrible, never ending 6 week cold, is a really really bad plan. But now, oh yes, now...we have a space for a movie room. We could have you over for movies. Or games. Or whatever, because now, you don't have to sit on the floor. Ok, technically you do still, because the couch doesn't come until the 8th.Isn't it lovely?! I have had my eye on this for over a year. It dropped during Christmas from $1199.95--hello NUTS, to $595 and I jumped. When we went into the store, the sign said $895 and my heart sank. I mentioned how on KSL, it was listed for $300 less. I pulled up the ad on KSL and he honored it. It still knocked the air out of me to drop that much on something, but considering it means 1. I can have friends over and 2. I don't have to lie on my basement floor anymore, I'm excited.

So now, it's back to being sane. I have daycare to pay for this year. *talk about the air being knocked out of you* $50/day since I have Simon and Ava going.

Pictures of Christmas as well as commentary to follow when I get home. Magical.

Wanted:

2010-12-22T13:10:00.002-07:00

Work out buddy.

Qualifications--that's right, I have standards ;)

*must be motivated on days that I am not, so that I will actually move.

*must have a sense of humor about jiggly flab. because I come with a lot of it, and hate to laugh alone

*slightly to moderately to all out competitive. I need to be challenged

*positive attitude. i don't mean you have to be fakely happy all the time. but i have enough negativity in my own mind. No cut downs on yourself. It leads to pity parties-which kill workouts.

all resumes may be sent directly to me. Workouts start January 4th. So cram those cream puffs and swallow all the carbs you can handle before then. As of January, it's back to low carb life.

3am party

2010-12-22T03:55:00.002-07:00

Simon took a 4 hour nap this afternoon, which at the time I thought "good, he really needs the sleep." He has a sinus infection, and hasn't been feeling well due to teething new molars.

3am hits, and BAM the kid is ready for action. It's been an hour, and he's not slowing down. So, of course, I am running our recent images Dec 16-current through DXO and have downloaded a trial version of Lightroom 3, because Lightroom 2 doesn't support our new camera. Also, DxO does not have our favorite lens as an option yet, so it can't read any image captured with the D7000 and the 35 mm. The downfall of getting a camera hot off the presses.

All I want is to give people the images they are asking for. 300 updates and installs later...ugh. sometimes I wonder if this photography gig is really for me. I just want to take fun pictures. I need some serious formal education on these editing programs though. I feel so completely out of my element in them sometimes, and the user manuals...I may as well study the Japanese section, because the English is just as clear to me.

I'm going to attempt to convince Simon that it's time for the party to end and sleep to begin

The Last Five Years

2010-12-20T07:42:00.014-07:00

It's a littler surreal. Today is our 5th anniversary. I don't remember much of the day at all, but here are the flashes I can recall.

-Getting to Kira's at 9am to get my hair done, only to realize the hairspray is missing. Sent my parents--who had no idea where they were--to the store to get some. An hour later they return. Rush much?

--Stopping for Arby's on the way, because I was starving.

--Realizing I had forgotten my temple bag. Relieved that Chris hadn't left yet, so they could grab it for me.

--Sitting in the waiting room, being told by a cute little old man, not to worry. The he was sure my fiance would show up. It turns out Chris's family drove past the exit the first time around and almost made it to Salt Lake before realizing it.

--Chris stepping on my dress as we exited the elevator, and ripping my train.

--Hirschi-pronounced like Hershey Chocolate-was the name of our sealer.

--Never being so incredibly sure of anything in my entire life.

--Wondering why I decided I thought I'd be able to do my own makeup, and begging someone to go find Johannah.

--HOURS of photography, that by the way, we never ordered prints of. Seriously 900 pictures? Who can sit through that and decide?

--Wow! Chris's family really IS huge!

--JSMB flowers everywhere. Wondering if I was elegant enough to match the room.

Amazing food. Amazing friends.

Things I need to accomplish in the next hour

2010-12-17T10:21:00.001-07:00

In a completely random order

-2 loads of Laundry--washed, dried, and put away.
-Load dishwasher-and get it sloshing away.
-Make beds
-Dress Ava and do her hair
-Gather miscellaneous crap from every room and put where it belongs.
-Operation Clorox wipe-down. Ava usually loves to help with this.
-Tame my "I forgot to brush my hair right after a shower" crazy hair
-Dress for work
-Pack up kiddos and their bags
-Drop off at Layton Bravo Arts Academy for all Ages
-head into the office until 4:30.

p.s I'm craving funeral potatoes and have all the ingredients. I dare not make it myself, as the last time I did was a horrible HORRIBLE turn out. Maybe you'll make them for me?! Eh? Eh?

D7000 and Rockwell Love

2010-12-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

As a Nikon enthusiast, I have come to rely on Ken Rockwell and his incredibly detailed and entertaining reviews for anything camera related. I have to say, however, that no review has ever had me so captured as that of Nikon's newest DSLR the D7000

Chris has been so obsessed with this camera since news of its release a few months ago. Salivating over each and every update. He received a generous Christmas bonus, and had some extra fundage he'd been saving for something special, and today went into the Nikon store hidden in the Farr's jewlery in Ogden (go figure) and bought one. He even worked out a deal, that got him a $200 discount if he purchased a lens with the body. He opted for the 55-300 VR. It is a lens to be reckoned with.

Ladies and Gents, we are ready to be your photographer.

Should you want a good laugh, and education on some cameras, lenses, flashes, etc...check out his site by either clicking on my links above or doing a search on his site www.kenrockwell.com

Ahh Ahh Ahh CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2010-12-14T13:33:00.000-07:00

OOOOOOOOOOOh Winter and your every 20 day illness cycle. Seriously. Today I had a sneeze stuck for what seemed forever, it was a few hours. Since there's no sun to be had in this grey grey Wasatch Front December day, I had no choice but to keep staring up at my lights, hoping it would help the sneeze. Nothing. So I finally walked away from the tissue box, resolved that this sneeze would never come and then BAM
three head bangingly HUGE sneezes right in a row. Simon laughed so hard. I'm sure I looked ridiculous. It about knocked me off my feet. I ran to the bathroom to wash my hands, unaware that my sneezing fit was only beginning. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaachooooo forehead colliding with the faucet. 3 more followed. So, it appears, the stuck sneeze was so immensely irritating, because it was, in reality, a slew of sneezes. I'm lucky that I didn't knock myself out when I sneezed in the bathroom. I literally have no control of my body spasms when it comes to sneezing. In grade school, they called me Little Sneezer after the Tiny Toon mouse that would sneeze so loud and so hard things would blow away or explode.
The worst part about this cold, is that Simon has it. I mean, I'm used to Ava being sick. She's my little allergy girl. She's on her nebulizer every other week or so, due to gross dirty air, and whatever seems to be pollinating at the time. Simon, on the other hand, has never had anything but bad ear infections. This is his first time dealing with a croupy cough. It's so so sad. He's being a great patient though. He's super snuggley and doesn't fight too much when it comes to medicine time.

I'm fighting hard to not let this cold ruin my clean house routine. Seriously...I'm not sure who's winning right now...me or the cold. It might be a tie at the moment. I keep popping pills to make the congestion go away, but then I'm so fuzzy and dizzy from the meds, that I kind of walk around in circles. So, for those of you that manage to keep things in order when you feel like crap, what are some trade secrets? Come on! I'm back to work full time, long story...not really. Just boring actually. and I refuse to let my house go back to what it was. I love having no stress about laundry and dishes and etc. I guess you just buck up and do it anyway. You'll feel crappy lying down, why not feel crappy while loading the dishes? I have gone crazy with the Clorox wipes, and am wiping things constantly. And have gone through a bottle of sanitizer. NO MORE SICKNESS! So...in conclusion...please remember,

For Ben--your family at Cousin Cookie Day

2010-12-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Ben,
We know that you are especially homesick lately. We have some fun pictures that were taken today at our cousin cookie day. We were super excited to have your fun family with us this year. The only thing that could have made it even more awesome, is you! We hope you're doing well. We know you're counting the hours until you're back home with your family for Christmas--and together again under the same roof soon. We've sent a special Christmas present your way to help your family remember us while you're in CHILE, and the fun times we had today as cousins.

See how unimpressed Joshua is with his lame elf getting him something he already haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. Just kidding. He gave big hugs and said thank you for his presents.
I'll have Chris send you the link to the rest of the photos on our Rezzen server! We love you! Have a safe, and very LONG plane ride home.

my thoughts on this bitter morning...

2010-12-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today is day 3 of 'part time.' I am happy to report that my home is still clean!!!

Ok so this is likely due to the fact that my kids are at someone else's house from 12:30-5. That makes a big impact on a home staying clean.

I was offered my full time position back yesterday. I decided to turn it down. I realized that I love love LOVE having the mornings be about being a mom and housewife. I know it sounds slightly 50s, but I like having the time to make the house a home. A safe, clean enviornment. it feeeeeeeeeels soooo much better. I may cry when the payday comes that shows my first decrease in pay, but hey--my 'chocolate' budget could stand a little rationing.

Chris is nearing the end of the semester. I can't believe we've made it. These two classes have been SO intense. Work at Inwest has picked up, and some times he's gone 6am to 11pm. He's been SO diligent to be 100% at work and with his classes. I'm incredibly proud of him. I've set up a day at the spa for him this Saturday to help ease his anxiety about finals week coming up Monday. I hope that it helps. If anything, it'll be a few hours that he isn't being needed by anyone. I know there are days that's my number one wish. just go somewhere and not be needed. Other days being needed is the only thing I want. but that's what makes me woman I guess ;)

May I take this moment to put in a plug for sudaphed. I woke up so incredibly foggy this morning with sinus pressure like I couldn't even believe. 2 little red pills and an hour later, and I was back to feeling human. Modern Medicine ladies and gents. I was not made for another time where it didn't exist. I was made for the easy to access pain meds generation. ;)

I have 99% of my Christmas shopping done...I say that because I never really feel done. Anyone with me on this? Right now, my mind is racing with more ideas. Charlie Brown, save me from this commercialism. ;)

part timer

2010-12-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Today was my first official 'part time' day.

I have been full time mom and full time marketer for 4 years. (marketer for over 5.) The past 3.5 years I've been working from home 'telecommuting' is what the hip kids call it. My job share buddy-Eric-is officially trained. And officially doing requests in the morning and marketing in the afternoons.

How I spent my first morning being 'just mom.'

Simon was up at 5. At 5:25, I finally woke Chris to see what time it was. Wasn't too shocked seeing as how this has been his favorite wake up time for almost a month. Seriously kid. you're killing me.

About 6, I went downstairs to get him a new diaper and made Chris and Simon scrambled eggs. Scrambled eggs are Simon's new favorite food. EVER. he'll eat every.single.drop. Chris is also a big fan of eggs in the morning.

I then let Chris take over and went back to sleep. *I'm soooooooooo not a morning person*

About 8ish I heard Simon crying. He was trying to get a diaper out of the package. He'd pooped. So, I put him in the shower with me. and his wheat thin box. Seriously, he bashed his head off the shower floor--purposely--until I allowed him to bring the cardboard box of crackers into the shower.

I decided at that point that I needed something to do. Clearly, he wasn't going to be napping....he had made his decision clear on that subject. So, I started cleaning. I laundered. Washing. Wiped. Vacuumed. Folded. Put Away.

I started a casserole. I was super proud that it was cooked and in the fridge waiting a reheat before 11:30. However, it was super super gross when dinner time came. so BOO to this.

By 12:30, the upstairs bedrooms were clean and all the laundry that had been washed had also been put away. I grant myself a gold star for that--because I HATE putting laundry away. My kids bathtoys were in a bleaching treatment, and the main floor was neat and scrubbed with dishes sloshing in the dishwasher water.

I got home about 5, and picked up my kids from my lovely Angie. *Major Plug here for Ang. She's watching my kids 4 hours a day. 4 days a week. AMAZING!* Her kids came over while she headed to work. If we don't both lose a good 10 pounds from our crazy schedule...it'll be..........well just cruel really.

I've been up and down and down and up my 26 stairs more times than I can count. I now understand how Hilary is so freaking thin.

Special thanks here to Hilary and Angie and all my other friends who keep a clean house. You inspire me. Seriously. Sure, I know it's not perfect all the time. I've seen some days that kids have won the battle---but you really have shown me that a mom can win now and then...and more often than not, as long as I stay hydrated.

I hope to keep this up. I love having a clean house--although you wouldn't have known it the last year or so. I feel so much better in a clean house, and I swear everyone is happier too.

2010-11-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Day 4.

Every day, the loss...the grief, it grows. Every. Day. I wondered, at first, why so many people were so immensely sad. The doctors were very clear. Nothing I did caused this. Nothing I could do would have stopped it. The baby wasn't developing right. This scenario is the best for the circumstances. I believed it. Truly.

When the baby was born, I cried for the first time. I was then so exhausted that all I could do was sleep for all of Saturday, most of Sunday...and then yesterday I kept myself busy with the kids. Running from here to do. Anything to not think. To not feel. And when the kids had fallen asleep, and the house fell silent....it hit. It hit hard.

I couldn't push it back. I couldn't hold it in. And I was completely overcome by sorrow. Guilt. Anger. more Guilt. Wondering all the irrational wonders of how and why and knowing there are no real answers to those questions.

It's greater today. It's deeper. I wonder to myself why it gets more intense with each day. When will it reach the pinnacle? When will it fade? Will it ever? I now understand why each mother that has had this experience has such pain when they hear of my case. Does it still ache years later?

When Did Halloween Get So Fancy? - Other - daveramsey.com

2010-10-21T10:31:00.000-06:00

You've GOT to read this. SO hilarious.

By Jon Acuff

When did Halloween get so fancy? Did we vote on that? Was there some sort of meeting I missed? In general, I do my best to avoid attending meetings, so it’s possible that everyone got together and decided that Halloween would become some sort of fancy, expensive holiday without telling me.

When I was a kid, only the weird guy in our neighborhood “decorated” for Halloween. He put out some homemade gravestones and fake spider webs and played the inevitable “Monster Mash” over a cassette tape. We all smiled at his curious decorations, but inside, we thought he was kind of strange and probably smelled like pickles.

Now, though? Everyone is decorating for Halloween. There are inflatable pumpkins, giant spiders, zombies, and hay bales with witches cackling on them. There is literally a cornucopia of expensive ways you can trick out your yard for Halloween. In celebration of—I’m not even sure—free candy, maybe? Is that what we’re celebrating each October 31?

Speaking of candy, that got all fancy, too. When I was a kid, 50% of the houses on my street gave out “homemade candy.” And by “homemade candy,” I of course mean “apples.” People gave out apples and the most flavorless popcorn balls you can imagine. They were like eating yellow attic insulation. But that’s what we did. We didn’t get all fancy with our candy or put out bowls with little signs that said, “Please only take one piece per person.” (Which is adorable, by the way. There’s not a kid on the planet who only takes one piece in that situation. Their hands are like little cranes.)

And somewhere down the road, we started to bag the candy. Instead of just dropping a single pack of Milk Duds® in a bag, we actually put three different kinds of candy in a plastic bag and give them that. Some houses even give out full-size candy bars!

The bags are another issue. When I was young, I had to carry my candy in a plastic pumpkin that held approximately 14 pieces of candy. Now, kids carry pillowcases. You can fit 57 pounds of candy in there! Unbelievable.

The costumes have gotten crazy, too. For about five years running, my parents made me be a drifter or a hobo. Which basically meant they forgot to get me a legitimate costume. So, three hours before Halloween, they put me in some of my dad’s old clothes, rubbed some charcoal on my face, and gave me an old fedora to wear. Ghosts were also a popular option, since that costume only involved a sheet and a pair of scissors. Whole thing cost about a nickel. Now, though, kids get crazy, complicated Spider-Man outfits that actually shoot out web. Or Star Wars costumes with real working light sabers.

What happened to the clowns and the ghosts and the hoboes?

Where did it all go wrong?

How did we all get so fancy?

And most importantly, is Flag Day next? Will that be the next holiday that gets expensive and complicated and covered in Spider-Man webbing?

I’m not ready for that, and hopefully you aren’t either.

Stay sane this Halloween. Stay on budget. And stay away from popcorn balls. Those things are awful.

Be it ever so humble...

2010-10-04T09:30:00.000-06:00

This weekend was amazing. Chris and I dropped the kids at my parents about 6pm on Friday night and started our weekend away. We drove down to Casa del Cope in St. George.

We were both up at 6:30am Saturday, hahahahaha oh yeay for habits. I made pancakes, and we sat out on the back deck and watched the sun rise over snow canyon. PHENOMENAL. We spent about an hour or so navigating St. George in the S2000 around the St. George marathon, and stopped for lunch at Pancho and Leftys. From there, we headed back to the house for a little siesta. OH NAPS-how glorious ye be. We headed for Vegas about 4pm. Due to the time change--which I had totally forgotten about--we had about 2 hours to kill in town before val's flight came in. So, we headed to the outlets to find Chris some new VANS. He hasn't had VANS for about 3 years, and decided since his NB are about shot, that he was ready to go back to the super comfy ever lasting VANS. We found the coolest pair that are like a turquoise teal/black. They rock. We also got him a new belt, since he's lost about 6 inches on his waist in the last year. We scored a reversable leather belt at Wilson Leather outlet and a new coat for me. Originally it was $140, I got it for $30. HOLY CRAP. It is bright yellow and adorable. I love it. We had so much fun just walking around and snacking on AUNTIE ANNE'S PRETZELS---oh how I've missed you. Please come to Utah ASAP.
Due to my awesome navigating abilities, we got a bit lost on the way to the airport by taking a left that should have been a right. Eventually, we found our way to VAL!!!!!! I ended up booking a hotel that was about 5 miles off the strip--ooooooooops. But it was cheap and nice. We dropped our gear and braved the drive back to the strip to show Val the sights. Chris and I rode the rollercoaster at NY NY--so-much-FUN! We were STARVING and most of the places were closed so we ended up eating at a cafe in one of the hotels. Our waitress was 65 and stoned or something. SO WEIRD. The food was....eh. We walked around until about 2am when we all decided I was way too grumpy to put up with. My bedtime is 10pm.
Sunday morning we hit the breakfast buffet, and then drove down to the Stratosphere and went to the top. Chris was totally wanting to do the 900 ft free fall, but just as we got there, they closed it due to high winds and rain. CRAP! We went up though, and man it was high. I am a bit relieved that he didn't jump. I don't think I can witness my husband jumping off a 900 foot building. Even if he is harnessed. NO THANKS!
We drove back up to St. George and showed Val around Snow Canyon. We spent about an hour hiking. She was in love. Who wouldn't be? We didn't have much time, as it was about 4pm when we got back to that area, so we headed back to northern Utah about 6pm. We got to my folks house just before 11pm to pick up our sleeping kiddos. I swear they had grown 3" each. I realized as we loaded them up that I had really really missed them.
We are so happy to be home--thanks to a dear friend, I walked into a 100% perfect house. I about fainted. Everything was so beautiful. Thank you to my angel. I was happy to sleep in my bed with my whole family home, and Val downstairs.
I woke up this morning to Ava knocking on the bathroom door--Chris had just finished his shower.
"I NEED IN THE SHOWER--I JUST TOTALLY POOPED" oh it's good to be home! :)

my perfect weekend is about to begin...

2010-10-01T07:43:00.000-06:00

My folks are taking the kids this weekend. I'm dropping them off today. Chris and I are headed down to St. George, and on Saturday.....We are picking up VAL!!!!!!!!!! in Vegas. We may even stay at Treasure Island. Sunday, we'll show her Snow Canyon, and the Entrada and fill her brain with so much Red Rock madness, she won't be able to stay away. We'll head back up here Sunday night, and she'll hang up in our place Monday and Tuesday and fly out Wed. Many adventures are to be had, and I cannot express how extremely excited I am to have a weekend with Chris and to see my VAL!

Ka-la-a-ka

2010-09-27T10:05:00.000-06:00

So, here's the deal. We are not in charge. We have agency. If you choose to forgo the birth control even once, you're giving God the opportunity to mess with your time line. For instance, our plan was to start for #3 in Chris's last semester so she'd come a good 2 years from now. God's plan was for her to come now.

We are pregnant.

If you ask Ava-she's100% positive that it's a girl. And her name is Ka-la-a-ka. Not sure if that name will stick but hey. It's a place to start. Sandi asked Ava if she's excited

"Yes. She's my sister. And I will hold her. and love her. and we will be best friends"

"But what if it's a boy? Will you still love him?"-and her reply was "Granni, I said, it's a sister."

There you have it. I am not sure how far along I am. My next appt is October 12. I'll know then when they do the ultrasound and measure the babe. So, here's to scary adventures.

1st day of preschool

2010-09-09T14:36:00.000-06:00

Ava loves this horse shirt. She picked out her own outfit this morning, telling me the one I had put out was "a bit crazy."

Ava's bff filling her in on the WAY FUN time she'll have with her teacher.

So, we were 10 minutes late, but I thought we'd be 5 minutes early. HAHA let's hope she has Chris's brain.

do you know the muffin man

2010-09-08T15:13:00.000-06:00

Today, Simon and Ava played dress up. Simon decided that the bakery costume is the coolest as it comes with a hat. I think it looks SO cute! Ava got this for Christmas from my friend Lissa last year.

Monkey Around

2010-09-06T01:16:00.000-06:00

I'm here to tell you, that I'm the only one in the family that cannot do monkey bars. Photos taken Easter weekend. I know so far out of date, but I can't sleep, so why not blog?!?! Yeay for Becca, Dad, and Chris.

Cope Commentaries

the only truly GREAT thing about snow...

T-13 hours

Mommy Daughter Dates

Dear Santa

Don't mind me...I'm just whining.

FIFO

Mikey-blue eyes

First Snow

Kissing Tonsils

Cutest Shower EVER

Elephant Gestation Juice

Ech bin ein Liebster

Why am I even Awake?

Another blog stealing post

TTTS

Shower

http://www.diapers.com/baby-registry/109223/DEBORAH-COPE

http://www.target.com/baby/registry/FG-jtd_PQ5mGY4YJZer0qA

the girl i mean to be

seek to be understood

non-stress test

Blog Stealing

Where was i?

31 weeks and still going strong! :)

Break out the elmers, glitter and gingerbread???

To Wish, To Do. To Hope

26 Weeks

giggles

25 weeks down *hopefully* 11 to go

the words i long to hear...

it's the perfect blendship

Hilary Weeks

Back on the market

http://www.utahrealestate.com/1049956

HOOT

Never Ending To Dos....

Learning Station

too tired to blog

called to serve-the little children

How do I not love you?

Sarcastic Journalist-

Just enough energy to FREAK OUT

I guess I love you, baby that's that

i am an awful blogger

family picture outfits for becca review

Landon Baptism, by Deb Cope

level 3

goal 1- 6 days away

lovin it.

14 days

weigh in day

The next 18 days

six weeks

Are You Kidding ME?

tri what?

weigh in day

the habit is being formed

Sisters 38 Weeks 1.19.2011

now that's dedication

honey, i'm home.

i want my mommy

day 2

day 1

season 11 of biggest loser

dream a little dream of...

grocery-go-getter

pass the ludens

Resolving to...

PINK 4TH BIRTHDAY

After the dust has settled

Wanted:

3am party

The Last Five Years

Things I need to accomplish in the next hour

D7000 and Rockwell Love

Ahh Ahh Ahh CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

For Ben--your family at Cousin Cookie Day

my thoughts on this bitter morning...

part timer

25 weeks down hopefully 11 to go