Happy 3rd Birthday Simon

If you've known my Si-guy for long, you know he has a thing for his boots. Boots that his sister received for her birthday when she was 2 1/2. Yeah it was the ONE year that I actually was on the ball and did Ava's party in the summer like I always say I will...but haven't since. Anyway...

The boots-pictured above, were rarely ever worn by Ava. She was more into the glass slippers that are also pictured above. However, the moment Simon decided to start walking, he claimed her boots. He put them on one day, his tiny size 3 feet into these size 7 boots and never looked back. He's been wearing them for 2 years, but sadly, the kid is about to out grow the boots. We have been struggling to get his feet into them the last couple of weeks. So, today, for his birthday...he was given NEW BOOTS!

But, it wasn't JUST new boots. It was an entire outfit. Wrangler jeans, belt buckle, shirt, hat and boots. He immediately wanted them on, and as soon as he was done said "I need a horse!"*yes the hat was too small for his giant head--and will be exchanged for a LARGE*

Clearly this is his signature photo face these days! I loved his birthday. The weather was PERFECTION! I made him pancakes this morning with a side of Flavor Blasted Extreme Cheddar Gold Fish. We set out at 12 for Union Station and spent 1.5 hours climbing trains, playing trains, talking TRAINS. Then we headed to Vintage Cupcake on 25th street for DIVINE cupcakes (chocolate cream cheese is my favorite--in case you're wondering) We got home about 2 and he took his nap. *(lunch is over rated right?) After naps, we grabbed some cheeseburgers and chocolate milk and went to Syracuse family fun center for bowling with the Toponces. MOST.FUN.EVER. Simon had never been before, and neither had Ava. He loved it. We will be doing this again very soon! Simon got 2nd place with 101. The kid had like 3 strikes. It was amazing. Then, we came home to the most delicious chocolate cake ever made by my dearest friend and mother in law-Sandi Cope. Who, by the way, loved on my twin babies most of the day so that we could have all of these fun adventures with Simon and Ava. The babies really needed love time with their Granni, and I really do believe that Simon and Ava needed a day with their mommy and daddy focused on them and their needs exclusively. Thank you so much, Granni, for all of your hard work. For the Thomas party goods and the best freaking cake in the world. An ADORABLE outfit, and boots that are sure to don the feet of our Simon for another 2 years. Today would have been a complete bust without you. So from all of us, we thank you for an amazing Simon birthday. BESTDAYEVER!

remember how I have pictures I promised? Well the befores have been shot...and the afters? Well...I'm STILL not to the "after" point yet. Life with 4 kids age of 5 and under. Zombie Mom comics portray this perfectly...

Mom Exhibit.

We've moved. again. We are now renters in a beautiful townhome. We moved over Valentines Day weekend. The first week, I was so awesome. I mean...epicly so. Laundry was being done in all stages. Every room was perfect before my head hit the pillow. Life was Mary Tyler Moore. And then, the sickness hit. Enter CHAOS.
I have spent the last week tripping over my feet *(and their toys) trying to restore order. I'm not sure it's even possible. I am making progress though. Today I managed to clean the bathrooms, kitchen, floors and thankfully the kids have kept their rooms clean the past 2 days. (a 5 hour battle of we're not leaving for playdates until your toys are cleaned up seems to have been well worth the hell). So now we are down to my room and bathroom-which are buried in laundry and "stuff." Looking at it, my brain can't even classify what it all is beyond "stuff." Laundry "stuff" Baby "stuff" somewhere are the papers for my taxes that still need my attention. Funny how the promise of a massive tax check refund isn't even enough to make me fill out the endless questionaires. And the bathroom-there's the hospital suctioner we have for Austen, the globs of shampoo Simon insists that he's "cleaning" the tub with. Oh wow. Thanks kid. The amazing closet, and the pile of clothes that need hung that are tucked in the corner in a nice pile. Let's do this.........mmmmmm Maybe I'll take a nap first, if only I could figure out how to get to my bed, and where it is under all this ..."stuff."

before and after photos to come.

writing out the fear

My latest second of excitement and ambition was "By this time next year, I want to be doing photography for real." You know, instead of for pretend. I want to be booking photo sessions. I want to be handing out cards. Or, you know, even possess some cards. I want to get serious about this. That moment of excitement was immediately followed by paralyzing fear.

This is not the first time this has happened-especially about my photography. Some fears-

• Uh...photoshop what? The last time I used photoshop I had braces, my nose was too big for my face and I still thought shaving between my brows was a good idea.
  
• What if I'm no good? What if I don't really have "an eye" or "talent" and what I do have is luck.
  
• Photographing cute kids makes getting great pictures a lock. Can I really just market good looking people and turn away the awkward?-how bad of a person does having this thought make me. Pretty bad.
• How does one even start a business? a business what? Taxes? Website? Marketing? UHHH RUN!!!!

See, my real fear isn't that I'll fail. If I try and fail, then really I'm right back where I started. With a lot of money invested in a camera and gear that sits on my bookshelf in a pretty awesome camera bag. what happens if I learn photoshop and I love it and my business takes off. I dont know anything about having my own business. I don't know anything about really succeeding. I've always done average (ok let's be honest, below average) in everything {other than my job at Inwest. I really rocked that}. I am terrified of success. I am terrified of tapping any potential I may have hidden in me.

But it would be awesome. So who knows, maybe I'll grow a pair-take a few classes, and by this time next year have my photography gig up and running.

So, first...sorry for the all too angsty depressing previous post. Some days...you just have to write it all out or it'll never end. Appearnatly writing it out has really helped to calm me...especially followed by opening a bottle of prozak. I've decided to go back on some anti-anxiety/depression meds. I forgot how much they mellow me out at the beginning. So hopefully in 2 weeks I'll be feeling more normal and less Negative Nancy.

I admit that things have been one right after the other in the problem department. however, I need to focus less on how crappy it is...and look harder for the positives.

We have a great family support system. Without them, I'm not sure how we'd make it day to day. So, thanks to all of you for the help. Accepting help is not something I enjoy doing, but I've been truly humbled the last year and have had our lives blessed by the generosity of many.

don't bother reading-

I think it goes without saying that I really really detest the winter. I don't mind snow. I don't even really mind slush. What I do mind is the constant sickness, the bitter cold winds, and the icy weather that comes when there is NO SNOW. At least the snow makes the cold worth it. Sunny days that carry a 2 degree wind chill are super cruel. And endless grey-and in Utah this means also endless inversion-is so incredibly depressing that my muffin top simply morphs me into an all around 20 pound over weight version of myself.

We've been sick the last week. It's been a long and horrific virus, and if I ever figure out where we picked it up from, I'll be sending bad karma its way. Who gets an infant like Carter this sick? Seriously!

I'm really super bitter, because I was so looking forward to St George for Presidents Day weekend. We didn't go. We were super disgustingly sick, and had been misinformed that Chris wouldn't have the day off--when SURPRISE he did. So we did nothing. Reading Michelle's blog makes me ever so bitter and jealous. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. They are super adorable. But, Chris and I had them so fast that we've never had spontaneous road trips, or went to Disneyland just for the hell of it. Even when we plan trips, 99% of the time we don't get to go. Today, I'm really wallowing in the negativity of how I view things. I am in a rut. We are in a rut. I can't even see how to get out of it. I just know I don't want to be in it anymore. The twins are 3 months old and I haven't had my eye brows done since I was pregnant. I tried to color my hair to spice things up...and well, if you've seen me you see how horribly wrong this went...and if you haven't, well it's because it went horribly wrong. Usually these things wouldn't bother me, but somehow being 20 p0unds overweight with a Helga-brow and little mermaid hair really is getting to me. Too much netflix teenage trashy shows for this mom. I really need to fill my life with less angsty drama shows and more....(fill in the blank)

the only truly GREAT thing about snow...