Dear Jon

Well technically it's the day after, the 8th anniversary of your death, but since I haven't slept yet...I'm not going to count this as late.  You being the totally cool person you are, will most likely totally let me get away with that excuse too. 

You'd be 32 this year.  Taunting me, no doubt, about my upcoming 30th birthday-but you know what.  I don't mind turning 30.  I'm ready to be done with the 20s, and from what I hear...30s are pretty fantastic. 

I have four kids-this, of course you know.  I am fully convinced that you're watching over the baby we lost a few years ago.  And that you watch over those of us here, every day. 

Today, I was thinking about that fireside we drove to.  You know, the one where I got insanely lost and we showed up late and yet still got AMAZING frontish row seats to hear Richard G Scott speak...and how people kept asking if we were engaged, even though we'd never been on a single date, and that was awkward, so we kept our distance the rest of the night. And then on the drive home, my brother fell asleep in the backseat, and we just talked.  And for 2.5 hours you were a different you.  Instead of the happy go lucky hilarious joker I'd known, you were serious and calm and bore your testimony to me.  For the entire drive, you spoke with passion for your love of the gospel.  You were on fire man.  I just wasn't' sure if I ever told you how much that drive meant to me.  How much it helped me to grow.  How much I lean on it still to this day.  How much I loved you. 

I don't think I ever really told you that.   I was always afraid it would come out meaning something more than it did.  Or wrong.  Or maybe I didn't think I needed to say it, because of course I loved you.  Of course you were an incredible friend who I leaned on everyday.  You knew I had Chris.  I knew you were head over heels for a girl named Kathy.  And yet, I never told you.  So I'm telling you...now and every day since the moment I got that awful phone call, telling me that you were gone.  I love you kid!  I love that you were a total prankster.  I love that you wanted to live life on your terms.  That you loathed your singles ward in Mechanicsburg, because oh man, it was awful.  I love what an amazing uncle you were with your nieces and nephews.  They adored you!  You had a gift with them.  I love that you were friends with my brother.  That we all three hung out and made weird videos on my crappy camera and   that.....even tough it's been 8 years....and it'll be many more....i love that I know that I will get to see you again.  I really hope that when I pass you'll be there to show me the ropes, and make sure that I get to where I'm going. 

From a less extreme LDS mom

These days homosexuality is a buzz.  Everyone is freaking out about same sex marriage and adoption for same sex couples...and finding super secret messages inside of pixar movies.  Here's the deal.  I read an article over a week ago where an LDS mom went on and on about the horrifying gay undertones of the hit song, LET IT GO.  It bothered me. and it has CONTINUED to bother me . So I'm taking the time now to write it out so that hopefully it can stop bothering me.

SO WHAT?!!  Let's just pretend for a moment that Elsa IS a super secret Lesbian character.  I mean, she seems to be pretty anti every fella Anna falls for ;)   Aside from her suspected sexual attraction, what else could we glean from her character?  She strives to be a good daughter.  She spent her life in hiding from everyone, including her best friend, her sister, just so that she could please her parents.  She spent 18 years (or however long "Coming of age" is for a queen) alone, and terrified of who she is.  I'm sure there are PLENTY of girls (and boys for that matter) with same sex attraction who relate to this isolation.  Then, she has this break through where she learns to LET IT GO. acceptance. accepting who she is. accepting what she feels.  Notice how when she fights or hides these feelings the ice she creates is jagged and harsh and harms people.  When she has this brief moment of acceptance, everything she creates is BEAUTY.  She loves herself, for the first time since before she learned these feelings were a PROBLEM, she is creating beautiful, perfection with this gift.  Her father tells the King troll she was "Born" with the gift, when she's fighting Anna in the ice castle, she sings that she is CURSED.  Again, I'm sure this resonates with many tween and teen and even adults.  In the end, Elsa accepts that the way to constantly create beauty in her life and the lives of those around her, is to love herself.  LOVE.  Would it be SO bad for the kids, tweens, teens and adults to have a role model or ten that they could look to and have relate to them?  Would it be so awful if they had something that showed them how to have a healthy relationship with the people in your life while dealing with the stigma of same sex attraction.  I hear you moms, "I don't want the media telling MY kids about same sex attraction at 5" sure. I hear you. It's YOUR job to talk to your kids about it.  We are in an age where we need to tell our kids people love in all kinds of ways.  Families come in all forms.  Every family is different, but every family is VALID. Respect everyone.  Enough with the homophobia.  Enough with the hate.  Bring on the RESPECT.  You don't have to "condone." "appove" or even like the idea of same sex parents/marraige, but theses people are PEOPLE and deserve our respect and charity, just like anyone in the heterosexual community. 

I'm not great with words...it's 1am.  But here's what I really know.  Should one or more of my amazing 4 kids wake up one day, and realize they have same sex attraction, I want them to know that THAT'S OK.  It's ok, because I have loved them since the day they were born....before that even...and love them forever.  I hope they never feel that they need to hide things about themselves from me or the world. I mean clearly teens and tweens hide. heck even Ava wants alone time now and then. Everyone wants privacy, but I don't want them to feel that shame and embarrassment about identity.  I want them to know...CHILD OF GOD. yesterday, today, tomorrow...FOREVER. 

I learned an important lesson today..ok more than lesson-something vital about myself.  I can no longer sing solo.  I know there was a time that I loved to be a featured vocalist. I craved it and felt an overwhelming joy in owning the spotlight and sharing music with an audience. Connecting with them. Being a character. Manipulating their emotions to match the mood I wanted to convey. 

Today was the first time in many years that I was to be a featured musical number.  I've had the song for 2 weeks.   I am not exaggerating when I say that I practiced the song for at least 2 hours every day the past two weeks.  Mainly, because my range and ability to hold any sort of whole note was lacking.  But, after much practice, I was really feeling confident that I was going to be able to perform this amazing song and really be able to help bring the Christmas message it had to everyone.  I prayed so hard that I would be able to overcome the anxiety that was building about performing, so that I could sing this song. 

I practiced with the pianist the day before and the run through went great.  She was confident that we only did one run through. 

So, today, I stood up to sing...I had been ringing my hands for nearly an hour, waiting for that moment.  I got through..oh the first line...and then I crumbled. The anxiety of performing in front of this room of people with no one to help me, or to fall back on just began to flood me.  I was overwhelmed entirely by it.  I began to cry uncontrollably, but forced myself to continue in the song.  Someone passed a tissue up front, and with each break in the words, I resolved that I was going to get control of myself and do this song justice.  I even sang most of it with my eyes squeezed shut, trying to beat out the performance anxiety, but 2 words into the next line and the fear would win out all over again.  The song is 5 minutes, so by the end I was off key and just a total mess. 

 I was crippled by fear.  I ran out to my car and had a complete panic attack.  A few incredibly kind people have told me that my song did touch them.  That it was full of the Spirit and really moved them that I was so moved by the song to tears.  Sadly, that wasn't the case at all. The truth is...I have a talent, that is no longer easy or possible for me to share with others.  This frustrates me and breaks my heart.  Maybe I was too proud of my voice as a kid and this is just life balancing things out.  I'm not sure how to face people after this.  I'm mortified honestly.  I know I can't keep myself from going back to church, but I am deeply hoping that people don't mention it at all and we can all pretend that I didn't have a complete panic attack in front of 35 people who are mostly strangers to me.  Maybe soon, I'll sing it for myself, and record it so that I know and can remember that I was able to sing the song beautifully, the way it's meant to be shared. 

I miss these girls madly!  They were the best baby sitters, and role models for Ava.  

Ni Hao 1st grade

It's been ages since I've updated the ol' blog.  Our family relocated to Southern Utah at the end of July.  My photography business was really starting to pick up speed up north, and I was house hunting in Syracuse to move closer to Ava's school, when Chris came home one day announcing that he was given approval to work remotely, and wanted to move to the St George area.  He had amazing reasons to go:  little to no winter. clean air. great weather year round to help us be more physically active. So, just like that, our family was prepping for a 400 mile move, instead of 12. 

We found a little house to rent in the Heights of Santa Clara.  A few years ago while visiting St George, Chris drove me through historic Santa Clara in the little red car, and I fell in love.  I'm so excited that we both felt this would be the best spot for our family.  The Washington County School district seems amazing.  Ava's school has begun Chinese Immersion this year, and although she was initially on the wait list, we got a call the week before school started that she had gotten a spot.  It's been 3 days and so far she's loving it!  Her teacher Mrs Jai is adorable. 

My photography has come to a screeching halt.  Aside from the above photo, my camera is getting pretty dusty.  Sometimes the idea of starting all over again makes me want to just...not start all over again, but I really do miss it.  I miss meeting new people, capturing their moments and coming out with something beautiful for them.   An essential piece of being a photographer with 4 tiny kids is finding amazing baby sitters.  So far, I've only met one girl that wasn't absolutely terrified of the idea of twin nearly 2 year old babies.  This also means that it's been a month since Chris and I have been on a date, and had a conversation longer than 4 words before we were interrupted by a little person desperately needing us or needing to say something to one of us that was of extreme vital right now importance. 

I'm struggling to adjust here if I'm honest.  I love the area. Don't get me wrong.  It's gorgeous. The heat--will calm, and the neighborhood is amazing and full of the nicest people.  I just find myself homesick for West Haven.  In time, I know that I will love it here as much. I will discover my favorite places to shoot here as well, and the orange light from the red rock will become something I adore as much as the soft golden light from Jensen Park up north.

and here it is ... 3 months into 2013, and still, no fold option available.

I must admit, I've done pretty dang well keeping up with the "washing." And even have done well with the transferring of washing into the dryer before that musty smell kicks in.  Austen needing Free and Clear laundry detergent pretty much demands that no load get to a musty stage.  Because, free and clear detergent is free of good smelling chemicals that take the place of the musty smell.

Where I'm not doing well---is the folding and putting away. Surprised? I know!  I have PILES. and PILES of clean laundry.  My entire bedroom is like an artistic rendition of the Rockies via baby clothes, school uniforms, and all that random laundry that never really has a place to go.  The only thing that ever really gets put away immediately are towels. Because the closet for the towels is 2 feet from the dryer. So i just pull out the towels, fold, place.  so easy.  That and we go through like 8 a day.  And my family refuses to use the same towel twice, even though they are clean when they get out of the shower/bath and therefore the towel isn't dirty after one turn. bunch of lazy germaphobes. 

So...I think I need a laundry folding party.  Or someone to occupy my little ones for like 2-3 solid hours so that I can pound it out.  I'm not even sure I can focus for that long anymore. Anyone else know what I mean. Lately, even when I'm alone, about 15 minutes is my max and then my mind goes "squirrel!" and I'm pulled to another task.  Raising 4 under 5 has given me ADD or ADHD-what's the difference between those again?  The point is, I used to be able to focus and now........now I have piles all over the place.  I admit, I've never been totally organized, but at least I only had ONE pile.  Simon is shouting in his sleep.  I'm terrified that the moment I lie down, a baby will cry.  Teething. Joys.  I need a full size bed in the baby room--because someone should sleep in there.  chris is usually on the couch these days and the babies are in my bed, and I'm either hanging on the edge, or on one of the levels of the bunk beds. 


and SNAP, Carter is waking up for his midnight*ish feeding.

Simon Turns 4

The morning of the birthday did not start off so happy

He finally agreed to let me know how old he was

after church...he felt much better

No one can be sad with a buzz lightyear gun in their hand

Cousin Melyn also just turned 4

Bry-the1st of their trio to hit 4.

My mother in law got him an amazing spiderman cupcake cake

sparkler, trick candles are best for photos man! ps Harmons cupcakes--delicious

twins holding twins.