Hilary Weeks

AT one time in my life, I considered myself quite good with words. Along with so many things about myself, I no longer find this to be all that true. I have moments where I can be spontaneously clever, or say something randomly profound, but no real lasting word smithing.
The last few months, I find myself internally frustrated with this. I feel so many conflicting emotions and have been unable to express it even to my own soul.
My mother-in-law showed up the other night with a gift for me.
This cute book comes with a 7 track CD. 5 of the tracks are parodies of songs, bringing humor to frustrations mothers face daily. Track 6, starts off quite humorous, just as the previous 5, but then naturally, and unassumingly becomes a strengthening moment for every.single.mom out there, followed by an amazing song that perfectly expresses everything I've been trying to figure out in my own heart and mind for most of this year. It's called "Who you are." The night she gave this to me, Chris had offered to take the kids home in his car, and I had the first "alone" time in over a week. I found myself pulling into the garage with tears streaming down my face. Feeling the love of my Heavenly Father stronger than I have felt in ages.
Last night, once again I found myself drained at the end of a long day. The living room was a disaster. The dishes were still waiting to be done, along with laundry...and the endless list of things that we, as mothers, seem to find vital tasks before we allow ourselves a moment of peace. I feel so unequal to the task so many times in a day. And when I consider that our lives are about to be added upon with these precious little boys...I literally cower. How can I possibly find the patience, love, energy for two more souls at once? Instantly doubling our kids....I finally understand somewhat of how the apostles may have felt the day of the 5,000...with 5 loaves and fishes. How to provide for so many with so very little. And yet, as Hilary explains on her CD, the Lord thanks Heavenly Father for what they've been given, despite how it is so painfully obvious insignificant vs. the need. And yet...again, by the end there are 12 baskets full...and all have been fed. Our Father in Heaven gave not only what they needed, but more than enough. Can he really make me...give me...more than enough to provide the love, kindness, patience, strength and energy that my family will require? I found this when I was struggling with this ....



Again, the sobs...Something about a good,hard, body shaking cry is the only way to relieve the pain and stress. The only way that I can find myself able to pray. Pleading. Begging. Questioning. I used to have so many answers, and when I listen to these songs, and take the time to find the silence...and feel the inspiration of the lyrics and musicality, something in my heart is strengthened, and screams out...The answers are still here. You know that the Lord is aware and with you. With the babies. Do not lose your way. So for now, I am once again seeing my life...walking the path to the Tree...the rod so close. Some moments I know I am clinging to it with my whole soul, but most...I feel that I am blindly reaching forward...hoping to find it again. I'm grateful for those out there that light the path with their testimonies...so that I can find my way back through all the chaos of life.

Back on the market

When I think about our home...sometimes I can't breathe. At the beginning of this year, my job was asking me to come back into the office a few times a week, and we knew from the last two years, to expect Ava to be in the doctors quite a bit between Jan-April. Yeay asthma and allergies. So, we set up an FSA fund, where they take money out pre-tax and set it aside for reimbursement. This really is a great way to pay for medical and childcare. We set aside the max for childcare, which is$5,000(hello 2 kids in day care is KILLER) and about $3,000 in medical. This resulted in Chris's take home pay being significantly smaller. At the time, it didn't really matter, because I was working too.
Fast forward to my first ultrasound, and the word TWINS. We realized that we'd need to sell the house. We were on schedule to list the house August 1st, but then jump ahead to TTTS bedrest of 6 hours a day...and my work hours are SLASHED and our mls date was pushed back to August 16. My company is incredible, in that they say when I can come in, to come in and they find me some scanning to do. The trouble is, new neighborhood with zero babysitters, and so last week I made it in 6 hours. six.
Our home looks amazing. We've replaced just about everything in the home, and added a new fence. Plug here for Rocky Mountain Fence in Hooper. $2,000 cheaper than other quotes, and had us installed within 4 days of our quote. Amazing.
I'm needing SO much faith here. We NEED a good family to buy our home and right about where we listed it, so that we can make it through this one income, full time school, 4 kids under 5 time of our lives. So, if you can please pass along our url...

http://www.utahrealestate.com/1049956

and spread the word, I'd really appreciate it. When we listed it 2 years ago, we had like 4 showings. It was so disappointing. This time, the home is vacant. This time, the home has a fully fenced yard. This time, staying isn't an option financially. Please, if you can, lend a prayer for the sale of our home.

Oh dear neglected blog. no one posts on you, and no one really reads when I do. *sigh* but so much has happened, maybe it should be chronicled. Just not sure where to begin.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with twin twin transfusion syndrome on Tuesday about 10am. I didn't go back to work that day, so my poor replacement took over the job after only one day of training. (which consisted mostly of laughing) About 3pm, I got a call from Hollywood Presby in LA and was told to be there the next day at 9am. We booked a flight, hotel, rental car, and at 4am, headed to the airport. The tuition Chris had set aside for fall covered our expenses. I've got 3 weeks to figure out how to replace $2500...so not thinking about that at the moment...ok well clearly I am, but as of now, no longer thinking about it.

We met with Dr Chmait's team-
Ashley the sonographer--brilliant southern gal, with a slight noticeable dialect. Brilliant. Kind. Hilarious. I almost threw up on her a few times, then she stopped believing me that I was "ok" during the 3 hour sonogram and just started insisting it was time for a break.

Terry the nurse--this sounds odd, but seriously, it felt like I've always known this woman, and grew up with her as a 2nd mom. She was hilarious, kind, and insisting we text updates. She reminded me so much of Monica Ciotti. I instantly loved her.

Ramen Chmait, MD--brilliant, kind, all around human doctor. He took so much time to talk to us about the disease, and our options. Again, I feel like he wasn't just some doctor a few states away I had to come to, but someone that had known me forever, and was really concerned and determined to make this overwhelming and frightening disease a distant memory. A "remember when..." Ten years ago, twin twin transfusion was a death sentence...now thanks to his diligence, and desire to eradicate this awful condition, it's just another pregnancy road bump.

They operated Thursday, and the entire team was fabulous. They all told me that while I was under for a few moments that I ranted about chips and snoring, but I'm pretty sure they concocted that story pre-surgery and that the whole thing never happened ;) I am a light weight though, so it's highly likely that I would rant about chips. Hello, I'd not eaten in like 15 hours. FOOD people. FOOD.

The entire staff of Hollywood presby was amazing. There were a few communication struggles with varying ethnicities, dialects etc, but nothing we couldn't smooth over with gestures, smiles, thumbs up etc. They were the nicest rounds of nurses I've never had the pleasure of receiving care from to be honest. They ordered Chris meals as well, and gave us a private room, so that he could have a bed, and not just a foldout chair.

Friday, thanks to having no contractions, and my cervix still being in a "normal" range, we were discharged with modified bed rest instructions, two healthier babies, and cured of TTTS. We drove down Sunset Boulevard....all the while, Hugh Jackman singing in my mind. We got to Santa Monica beach, and spent a whole 5 minutes searching for shells for Ava. Then we spent a good 45 minutes going 6 miles down the 405. 30 of those I'm pretty sure were spent on the on-ramp of the 405....at 3pm. Let's just say dear 405, that you cured Chris of any desire he had gotten from wanting to live in CA.

The Bob Hope airport was very nice, and had someone wheel us to our gate. We got home about 1am Saturday, due to a layover in Vegas. I was exhausted. My mom has been taking the kids a few days every week to help give us time to rest. In the middle of all this madness, we've been moving and attempting to get our house ready to sell. What can I say, I live for a challange.

Due to my new bedrest restrictions, we've had to hire out the yard and house cleaning. Ok well kids are now climbing on me...later

HOOT

Let's face it, I've had a love with owls for ages now. Pam has the most adorable, and soft blanket for Victoria made of Raspberry and Chocolate brown owls, and I'm on the hunt to make my twinners some boy versions--really how do you NOT love this?

I have no idea what we're going to name the little guys, because I really only have 1 boy name that I love. Jeffrey Logan. I'm not sure where Chris stands on that name.
It turns out that having identical twins not only means you get to have a conversation with the fetal medicine doc, but you get to see him on a weekly basis. I guess this time around, I won't really have any issue paying the insane amount that guy gets to bill, because we'll be BFF.
The kids are screaming. It's 10:15pm, I'm barely coherent, and they are screaming, because they don't want to be going to sleep. Seriously. This is insane. I can't wait for us to move and get into a routine again. This limbo thing SUCKS.

In May, my mom presented me with a voucher for a one night stay to the downtown Hampton Inn, and said it came with a free overnight babysitting. Friday, she came up about 10 am and helped me get things a little less crazy around here. Chris got back about 3pm from studying, and we headed down for our adventure. My mom and the kids played with balloons, play-dough and went to the zoo. Chris and I went to see the International Jazz Festival and had a great time in Salt Lake. It was so nice to just fall asleep and wake up all by myself. I woke up about 8:30, had breakfast and went back to sleep until 11. I felt SO rested. We spent most of Saturday at Weber State so that he could study for a test, and submit some homework. Then we saw Green Lantern. Ryan Reynolds-'nough said.
My kids had so much fun with their "Mimi" they were very sad to see her go.
We have an official move date of Wednesday, 13th.
BIG NEWS....Thanks to some very generous Clearfield 8th Ward folk, I GET TO SEE LINDA EDER NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT!!! She is performing with MOTAB for the Pioneer Celebration Concert. I cannot even put my excitement into words. Cannot.

Everything has happened so so fast, that I can't really breathe, and it doesn't feel real.

We decided that we needed to sell the house, since he has 2 more semesters left in school (16 credit hours each ughhh) we figured switching jobs isn't really an option until he graduates. Since we had set up an FSA for hospital bills and daycare at the beginning of the year, his paycheck alone is not enough to stay in the house and me be sane. I don't like having a house payment that is more than 35% of our take home. I've been very spoiled the last 5 years having it only 25%--Ramsey is so right on the money with that number. When my job ends, we'll lose a 1/3 of our income and so we're putting the house up for sale. I'm planning to have my replacement trained by the time I reach my 3rd trimester-aka the end of August. Chris's grandma has offered us her large basement apt to use while we have the house for sale. We figured we'd probably move when Chris graduates anyway, and selling a house before having twins seems easier of an option than after.
Joye-Chris's grandma-is insisting that we stay with her until after the twins come home. Shes concerned with Chris's crazy school/work schedule that I will be better there, and as much as I hate to admit it, she's 100% right. She lives just up the hill from the Hospital, and I'm already realizing I can't do our routine of Chris home from 10pm-8am and me handling the house and kids alone anymore. I'll have some help right there with me while he's living at Weber State the next 5 months finishing school.
We've been working very hard to get our "curb appeal" boosted, and have a few projects left on the inside. We plan to move out this weekend (and probably some of next week) massively clean the place, stage it and then list it. That way, the kids can't undo any of the hard work that goes into putting the house on the market. My ability to keep up is long gone, and they have figured it out. Seriously, if I step on ONE MORE BAND-AID WRAPPER. So there you have it.

So, I decided to do some indoor "to do" items today. Ava's been going through my drawers for tshirts, because she ran out of leggings, and jammies, and refuses to be in anything that isn't made for comfort. This prompted my resolution to climb the laundry mountain. Now, to be fair, I wasn't too far behind. After folding a few loads, I went into her room, and discovered that her drawers were empty, because most of the clothes were shoved under her bed....next to an old pull up. AWESOME. So even though I know she hasn't worn these, the scent of old urine is necessitating a cycle or two through the washer, with maybe a tsp of vinegar just to be sure the odor is abolished. It's been nice not to be doing hard labor. Seriously, I want to be one of those awesome women on HGTV that conquers the house in a 30 minute segment, however, it's just not so. So today, I rejoice in my 75 degree, temperature controlled environment, even if it means many trips up and down the stairs toting baskets of clothing.