I learned an important lesson today..ok more than lesson-something vital about myself.  I can no longer sing solo.  I know there was a time that I loved to be a featured vocalist. I craved it and felt an overwhelming joy in owning the spotlight and sharing music with an audience. Connecting with them. Being a character. Manipulating their emotions to match the mood I wanted to convey. 

Today was the first time in many years that I was to be a featured musical number.  I've had the song for 2 weeks.   I am not exaggerating when I say that I practiced the song for at least 2 hours every day the past two weeks.  Mainly, because my range and ability to hold any sort of whole note was lacking.  But, after much practice, I was really feeling confident that I was going to be able to perform this amazing song and really be able to help bring the Christmas message it had to everyone.  I prayed so hard that I would be able to overcome the anxiety that was building about performing, so that I could sing this song. 

I practiced with the pianist the day before and the run through went great.  She was confident that we only did one run through. 

So, today, I stood up to sing...I had been ringing my hands for nearly an hour, waiting for that moment.  I got through..oh the first line...and then I crumbled. The anxiety of performing in front of this room of people with no one to help me, or to fall back on just began to flood me.  I was overwhelmed entirely by it.  I began to cry uncontrollably, but forced myself to continue in the song.  Someone passed a tissue up front, and with each break in the words, I resolved that I was going to get control of myself and do this song justice.  I even sang most of it with my eyes squeezed shut, trying to beat out the performance anxiety, but 2 words into the next line and the fear would win out all over again.  The song is 5 minutes, so by the end I was off key and just a total mess. 

 I was crippled by fear.  I ran out to my car and had a complete panic attack.  A few incredibly kind people have told me that my song did touch them.  That it was full of the Spirit and really moved them that I was so moved by the song to tears.  Sadly, that wasn't the case at all. The truth is...I have a talent, that is no longer easy or possible for me to share with others.  This frustrates me and breaks my heart.  Maybe I was too proud of my voice as a kid and this is just life balancing things out.  I'm not sure how to face people after this.  I'm mortified honestly.  I know I can't keep myself from going back to church, but I am deeply hoping that people don't mention it at all and we can all pretend that I didn't have a complete panic attack in front of 35 people who are mostly strangers to me.  Maybe soon, I'll sing it for myself, and record it so that I know and can remember that I was able to sing the song beautifully, the way it's meant to be shared. 

I miss these girls madly!  They were the best baby sitters, and role models for Ava.  

Ni Hao 1st grade

It's been ages since I've updated the ol' blog.  Our family relocated to Southern Utah at the end of July.  My photography business was really starting to pick up speed up north, and I was house hunting in Syracuse to move closer to Ava's school, when Chris came home one day announcing that he was given approval to work remotely, and wanted to move to the St George area.  He had amazing reasons to go:  little to no winter. clean air. great weather year round to help us be more physically active. So, just like that, our family was prepping for a 400 mile move, instead of 12. 

We found a little house to rent in the Heights of Santa Clara.  A few years ago while visiting St George, Chris drove me through historic Santa Clara in the little red car, and I fell in love.  I'm so excited that we both felt this would be the best spot for our family.  The Washington County School district seems amazing.  Ava's school has begun Chinese Immersion this year, and although she was initially on the wait list, we got a call the week before school started that she had gotten a spot.  It's been 3 days and so far she's loving it!  Her teacher Mrs Jai is adorable. 

My photography has come to a screeching halt.  Aside from the above photo, my camera is getting pretty dusty.  Sometimes the idea of starting all over again makes me want to just...not start all over again, but I really do miss it.  I miss meeting new people, capturing their moments and coming out with something beautiful for them.   An essential piece of being a photographer with 4 tiny kids is finding amazing baby sitters.  So far, I've only met one girl that wasn't absolutely terrified of the idea of twin nearly 2 year old babies.  This also means that it's been a month since Chris and I have been on a date, and had a conversation longer than 4 words before we were interrupted by a little person desperately needing us or needing to say something to one of us that was of extreme vital right now importance. 

I'm struggling to adjust here if I'm honest.  I love the area. Don't get me wrong.  It's gorgeous. The heat--will calm, and the neighborhood is amazing and full of the nicest people.  I just find myself homesick for West Haven.  In time, I know that I will love it here as much. I will discover my favorite places to shoot here as well, and the orange light from the red rock will become something I adore as much as the soft golden light from Jensen Park up north.

and here it is ... 3 months into 2013, and still, no fold option available.

I must admit, I've done pretty dang well keeping up with the "washing." And even have done well with the transferring of washing into the dryer before that musty smell kicks in.  Austen needing Free and Clear laundry detergent pretty much demands that no load get to a musty stage.  Because, free and clear detergent is free of good smelling chemicals that take the place of the musty smell.

Where I'm not doing well---is the folding and putting away. Surprised? I know!  I have PILES. and PILES of clean laundry.  My entire bedroom is like an artistic rendition of the Rockies via baby clothes, school uniforms, and all that random laundry that never really has a place to go.  The only thing that ever really gets put away immediately are towels. Because the closet for the towels is 2 feet from the dryer. So i just pull out the towels, fold, place.  so easy.  That and we go through like 8 a day.  And my family refuses to use the same towel twice, even though they are clean when they get out of the shower/bath and therefore the towel isn't dirty after one turn. bunch of lazy germaphobes. 

So...I think I need a laundry folding party.  Or someone to occupy my little ones for like 2-3 solid hours so that I can pound it out.  I'm not even sure I can focus for that long anymore. Anyone else know what I mean. Lately, even when I'm alone, about 15 minutes is my max and then my mind goes "squirrel!" and I'm pulled to another task.  Raising 4 under 5 has given me ADD or ADHD-what's the difference between those again?  The point is, I used to be able to focus and now........now I have piles all over the place.  I admit, I've never been totally organized, but at least I only had ONE pile.  Simon is shouting in his sleep.  I'm terrified that the moment I lie down, a baby will cry.  Teething. Joys.  I need a full size bed in the baby room--because someone should sleep in there.  chris is usually on the couch these days and the babies are in my bed, and I'm either hanging on the edge, or on one of the levels of the bunk beds. 


and SNAP, Carter is waking up for his midnight*ish feeding.

Simon Turns 4

The morning of the birthday did not start off so happy

He finally agreed to let me know how old he was

after church...he felt much better

No one can be sad with a buzz lightyear gun in their hand

Cousin Melyn also just turned 4

Bry-the1st of their trio to hit 4.

My mother in law got him an amazing spiderman cupcake cake

sparkler, trick candles are best for photos man! ps Harmons cupcakes--delicious

twins holding twins.

Tooth Fairy

Well.  This is it.  The moment has arrived.  The moment when my daughter begins losing her "little girl" look.  Last week, her tooth became loose.  She's been claiming to have a loose tooth since she was four. So I was skeptical at first, but sure it enough, it had a bit of wiggle.  Today, she pulled it out herself. 

IHC

Before I begin, I would just like to say...that we have an amazing family.  We are blessed with Chris's full time employement.  We have great health insurance.  I am not at all ignorant to what incredible blessings those all are.

But I'm going to stop opening my mail.  As it is, I only check my mailbox once a week.  The medical bills, they never end.  We had our balance down to like...$6,000 owed to IHC, not to mention the $3,000 that I put on my amex to keep out of collections.  And I opened my mail today to find another $2400 in medical that has just been billed, due to Austen's stay at McKay with RSV last month.  Again, they took amazing care of him.  I just am feeling a bit defeated that IHC patient financial services and I are never going to break up.  It's been an expensive 3 years medically.  I had two surgeries. I had twins. Those twins needed NICU time. Both needed home medical supplies at a few times.  Simon had three surgeries.  We have three surgeries this spring (provided Austen doesn't get sick again.)  If you're reading this and single.  SAVE YOUR MONEY.  Babies are amazing and I love my kids.  they are so much more expensive than I ever imagined.  And mine are healthier than most I know.  Even with the above medical crap.  Now, I'm going to figure out a game plan to log jam this medical nightmare out of our lives before I'm 30, because we're supposed to cruise with Mickey that year...and I don't want IHC hanging over my head that trip.