Friday, March 7, 2008

First finger Painting

Random thoughts approaching 1 am.

After days of being kicked in the face, punched in the ribs and woken every hour by Ava, I find it impossible to fall asleep at any sane hour--and thus we have a 1am post. Don't expect too sane of thoughts to be produced during this session.

Ava now has 4 teeth. FOUR. Lately, watching her being able to stand, eat and almost walk independently suddenly fills me with the intense desire to be pregnant again. Is this normal, I ask myself. But, having only ever had 1 full term pregnancy prior to now, I cannot possible tell myself a true answer. Both Johannah and Hilary are pregnant, so perhaps I'm just feeling the need to jump on the band wagon. The plan is to wait until July/August so we have a late spring early summer baby. Part of me thinks that, of course this is normal, why else would women get repeatedly pregnant on purpose? So for now, I'm debating if this overwhelming feeling is 1. wanting to be preggy cuz my sister in laws are or 2. A prompting from our little spirit child saying ready or not...the only weird issue to me is that Ava's birthday is Dec 29th....such a busy time of year...and I'd like that to remain any busier-what with chrismtas, our wedding anniversary and Hilary's birthday...there aren't many free days...and sharing birthdays can be cool--but having your own is cool too.

So I scheduled my audition for Beauty and the Beast. It's official. I'm actually going to audition. I'm terrified to be honest. It's been....5 years? ok 6 since I've done anything remotely theaterish. And what memory skills I had have probably been robed by motherhood and Inwest. The memory cells are clogged with marketing laws/violations particularly and market client preferences. Where is there room for any music/scripts? Thinking of doing theater always makes me homesick for old friends. Friends that I've lost contact with. I hate that I lose contact with people so easily. Especially in today's world, it's just unacceptable really. Having Sarah talk about going back to BYU Idaho brings back both painful and incredibly awesome memories. Some of my favorite memories are from my 2 years there, but it always makes me wonder what ifs...and I can't...because firstly...waste of time and 2ndly...what's the point? I love my family, and had things happened differently 5 years ago, then I may not be here now--with such a wonderful husband and remarkable daughter. I do wish though that I could see each of my old friends again. It's only when I think of them that I realize how alone I am in Utah. Outside of my family, I don't really have many friends--and I used to collect them like most kids collect pennies. odd. see 1am. no rational thoughts here. just random random random.