Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Day 4.

Every day, the loss...the grief, it grows. Every. Day. I wondered, at first, why so many people were so immensely sad. The doctors were very clear. Nothing I did caused this. Nothing I could do would have stopped it. The baby wasn't developing right. This scenario is the best for the circumstances. I believed it. Truly.

When the baby was born, I cried for the first time. I was then so exhausted that all I could do was sleep for all of Saturday, most of Sunday...and then yesterday I kept myself busy with the kids. Running from here to do. Anything to not think. To not feel. And when the kids had fallen asleep, and the house fell silent....it hit. It hit hard.

I couldn't push it back. I couldn't hold it in. And I was completely overcome by sorrow. Guilt. Anger. more Guilt. Wondering all the irrational wonders of how and why and knowing there are no real answers to those questions.

It's greater today. It's deeper. I wonder to myself why it gets more intense with each day. When will it reach the pinnacle? When will it fade? Will it ever? I now understand why each mother that has had this experience has such pain when they hear of my case. Does it still ache years later?