AT one time in my life, I considered myself quite good with words. Along with so many things about myself, I no longer find this to be all that true. I have moments where I can be spontaneously clever, or say something randomly profound, but no real lasting word smithing.
The last few months, I find myself internally frustrated with this. I feel so many conflicting emotions and have been unable to express it even to my own soul.
My mother-in-law showed up the other night with a gift for me.
This cute book comes with a 7 track CD. 5 of the tracks are parodies of songs, bringing humor to frustrations mothers face daily. Track 6, starts off quite humorous, just as the previous 5, but then naturally, and unassumingly becomes a strengthening moment for every.single.mom out there, followed by an amazing song that perfectly expresses everything I've been trying to figure out in my own heart and mind for most of this year. It's called "Who you are." The night she gave this to me, Chris had offered to take the kids home in his car, and I had the first "alone" time in over a week. I found myself pulling into the garage with tears streaming down my face. Feeling the love of my Heavenly Father stronger than I have felt in ages.
Last night, once again I found myself drained at the end of a long day. The living room was a disaster. The dishes were still waiting to be done, along with laundry...and the endless list of things that we, as mothers, seem to find vital tasks before we allow ourselves a moment of peace. I feel so unequal to the task so many times in a day. And when I consider that our lives are about to be added upon with these precious little boys...I literally cower. How can I possibly find the patience, love, energy for two more souls at once? Instantly doubling our kids....I finally understand somewhat of how the apostles may have felt the day of the 5,000...with 5 loaves and fishes. How to provide for so many with so very little. And yet, as Hilary explains on her CD, the Lord thanks Heavenly Father for what they've been given, despite how it is so painfully obvious insignificant vs. the need. And yet...again, by the end there are 12 baskets full...and all have been fed. Our Father in Heaven gave not only what they needed, but more than enough. Can he really make me...give me...more than enough to provide the love, kindness, patience, strength and energy that my family will require? I found this when I was struggling with this ....
Again, the sobs...Something about a good,hard, body shaking cry is the only way to relieve the pain and stress. The only way that I can find myself able to pray. Pleading. Begging. Questioning. I used to have so many answers, and when I listen to these songs, and take the time to find the silence...and feel the inspiration of the lyrics and musicality, something in my heart is strengthened, and screams out...The answers are still here. You know that the Lord is aware and with you. With the babies. Do not lose your way. So for now, I am once again seeing my life...walking the path to the Tree...the rod so close. Some moments I know I am clinging to it with my whole soul, but most...I feel that I am blindly reaching forward...hoping to find it again. I'm grateful for those out there that light the path with their testimonies...so that I can find my way back through all the chaos of life.
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