Saturday, December 13, 2008

journal entry...thus the rambling

I kind of feel like it's been ages since I've had a real post that would hold significance for me in the months and years to come. Although, the picture posts are pretty accurate depictions of my state lately.

Where do I even begin? I'm currently in my 6 month of pregnancy with baby Simon. It seems with this pregnancy, that I'm losing my short term memory at a more rapid pace, and that "pregnant brain" people laugh about is all too present. I make the most ridiculous and bizarre mistakes every single day. Take this past Thursday. All I had to do was take a spreadsheet, separate 2 of the columns (first and last name),then add a header to specify realtor or mortgage for the CE class that we held. It took....what? 6 tries? I'm not exaggerating here either. It was truely to the point of pathetic. It's amazing to me that Melissa has not replaced me at this point. I begin to just feel not only useless, but .... detramental to our department when this idiocy strikes me. It comes and goes, and there's no telling what triggers it. I'll be a super star one moment, and a total drooling moron the next. My ability to deal with even somewhat stressful circumstances has also completely disintegrated. Thus the post of a picture with a lady screaming. I love her expression. The distress, anger, frustration and sadness all in one. It really struck me. It's that release that I wish for sometimes several times a day, to find a place and let my lungs fill with air, and then in one loud long roar --- empty my being of all the confusion and emotion--freedom is what I think she finds at the end of that howl.

I had a complete emotional derailment the other night. Ava hasn't been feeling so hot this past week, and mix that with the inability to keep any kind of routine due to the craziness poor Colton has been through and it made for one TERRIBLE TANTRUM machine. The yelling, screaming, throwing, crying...seemed never ending on this particular day. Chris came home...and she calmed for an hour. But then it started all over again....and I broke. I don't even remember much of what happened...just that Chris took her upstairs while I sobbed in the chair downstairs...and then I walked upstairs and layed in bed completely numb. I woke up the next day...and the numbness hung around for most of the day--and it really scared me. Thankfully, it has been subsiding. I almost feel as though I have no right to be overwhelmed, or stressed out, because my baby is healthy and my little girl is healthy...and I see the trauma that Angie and Matt and especially Colton and Madison have been through the last week and I think--be grateful and pull it together already! GA! Pregnancy and rationality don't mix at all with me unfortunately. Let's remember this the next time I think I'm ready to be pregnant again--there is no emotional stability and rationality is thin as well.

It's almost 12am. Chris doesn't want to leave the door unlocked, but we didn't give Sarah a key, and she's out. Uh I hope the guy that took her to the Ward Party didn't wreck or kidnap her. I think I'm going to call and be like...uhhh I have 9 am church. COME HOME so I can sleep. --ring. --ring. --aaaaaaaaand she's at this party and stuck there until he feels like coming home. great. What happened to 12am is now the sabbath and you should be home? Seriously...ward activities going into sabbath? Wow--ladies and gentlemen I have become my father. It's seriously time for bed. I'm taking my phone with me. So that she can call when the idiot guy brings her back and I can stumble down the stairs to let her in. ugggggggggh. college kids.

1 comment:

Blake said...

haha! you and be both. I think being a parent does that to you. Or the fact that you have to work, deal with kids, do a calling and deal with others around you.

When you are in college you do school, eat and date/party. You dont have the draining responsibility as you do as a parent. Plus you are prego so you are tired.

But i feel you on the whole dad thing. Im becoming more like mine all the time.

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