My last 1st Birthdays

I went to the store on the 27th, and stood in the baking asile staring at candles.  So many different kinds. Colored flames, singing flames, polka dot, striped, star, Cars, numerical.  So many options.  I couldn't possible choose.  This moment can't really be happening tomorrow.  My babies, my last babies are turning one.  I suddenly realized that I was crying.  I was standing in aisle 8 of the grocery store in basketball shorts, a sweatshirt and messy bun with tears running down my face.  I was completely over come with a sweet sadness.  I grabbed a cake mix, a jar of cream cheese frosting and headed for the check out.  It's amazing that we've gotten this far.  These little boys endured so much before even making it into the world, and then spent the longest 2 weeks of my life fighting to stay.  They overcame TTTS, sepsis, pnumonia, PDA and FISD.  They are incredibly happy and loving kiddos.  

I wanted to keep this party simple.  I loved that so many of our dear friends and family were able to join us for this moment.  Here are some of my favorites from last night.

 

Carter *Saucy Boy* loved the cupcakes

Austen *Aussie Boy* was a huge fan of his cake

Do you ever feel like it all starts coming at once?  WAM BAM Thank you ma'm kind of disasterous doom all headed from every direction?

I'm kind of wondering how badly I'd be freaking out about the most recent series of events, if I wasn't on anxiety meds.  Because, even with meds...I'm kind of really freaking out on the inside.  My mom is going to come up at some point today.  I can't wait to see her.  I love when she comes up.  It makes me feel safe and that things are going to get better, because she's here for a moment to make me smile, and remind me that I'm not alone. 

disney on ice

For about three months in a row ava begged me to take her to "one day" see Disney on Ice. I surprised her today with tickets.  We went with our friends, Allison and Emi.  It was awesome.  We headed down early and had lunch at Charlie Chows in Salt Lake.  We grabbed some snacks at 7/11 and then headed over. The costumes were incredible.  I had warned Ava that I wasn't going to buy anything at the show.  The prices were ABSURD. $12 for a bag of cotton candy.  Seriously?  $22 for a small light up toy.  And the craziest part was that people were dropping like $200 easily all around me.  I couldn't believe it.  Maybe I'm too cheap for my own good.  I'd rather walk up to City Creek and get something from the Disney Store at 1/2 the price. Ok ok , I am too cheap for my own good. I promised Ava that when we're on our Disney Cruise in 2014, that she will get to choose souvenirs. 

I felt more normal today.  I got boughts of tiredness, but it wasn't as constant as yesterday.  I'm taking this as a good sign.  I also slept really well last night.  Even though I was up a few times with the babies, I was able to fall into a deep sleep once they had been settled. 

I feel like we've gone through a ridiculous amount of baby advil this month.  But then I have to remember that 1. the Ibuprofen bottles are 1/2 the size of Tylenol.  And 2. I have two babies that need it.  I should probably buy stock in Baby advil.  No teeth yet, but maybe they'll surface next week for the big birthday.  Speaking of which..I should probably start planning something for that. But let's face it, I'm not great at birthday celebrations.  I want to be, but really...

day one

Well, despite the universe trying to thwart my visit to my midwife, a dear friend came through, and took my kids.  I went in and opened up. oh that's a bad pun.  Anyway.  Physically everything seemed to check out great.  I told him about the anxiety issues I've had...the panic attacks that have been increasing, and he prescribed me two things. 1. Xanex for when the attacks hit and for nights when everyone else can sleep, but i'm wandering the halls like a zombie.  2. the other is a every day pill that should help.  I am meeting with him again in a month to report on how it's helping.

So far,

I'm tired. Foggy. But mostly, tired.  I'm being told this is normal . Just thought I should write it down.  I was freezing most of the day.  It's almost time to take today's dose.  I haven't been anxious though.  which is nice.

one more day

Tomorrow I get to go in for my doctor appointment.  This fact brings me relief and anxiety all at once.  But the anxiety was already there. always underlying.  Why is getting the kids into the car to take Ava to school such a difficult task?  It's dressing. and in Simon's case sometimes redressing--2 or 3 times.  It's feeding screaming babies and finding their car seats, diapers, wipes, socks, hats, toys, food. will we be gone for 20 minutes or the whole day? if i come back i could probably get something done, but chances are I won't...so maybe just staying out the whole day is really the way to go because it'll save money on gas.  and what did the kids do with the stupid tickets that were in the car. i left them in there so they wouldn't get lost, and yet here I am...unable to find the tickets and the show is tonight.  it wouldn't be so bad if other people werent depending on my having them.  i should have mailed them off. i had better find them. i know they are in there. when can i have the time to find them? the car is such a disaster. all the time. garbage, everywhere. how can i clean it out everyday and yet the next day have another bag to fill?  Why can't I have an organized clean car. other moms can do it. I can't manage to do this.  I'm destroying my children living this way. allowing them to live this way. it has to end. 4 minutes. 4 minutes until loading time and I'm telling Ava for the 10th time to find her socks.  socks, shoes, teeth, hair, clothes...every day these are the requests, but she seems so annoyed each day that it needs to happen.  I'm her mom. sending her to school clean, groomed, smelling good. these are my job.  why does she fight that? 

I don't mean to sound negative, just that writing out these inner thoughts and anxieties really helps me to process them. accept them. and then pick up and move on with a smile planted on my face.  because sometimes, if i smile long enough, my heart starts to feel it, and that cloud of anxiety following me around...backs off a bit.

Simon Says

Chris-"Simon, we're not buying toys today.  You can add it to your Santa list."

Simon-"Fine! I'll buy it myself *hmph*

Chris-"What money are you going to use?"

Simon-*searches pants pockets, searches coat pockets...nothing.*"Dad, will you buy me some monies?"

winter is coming

I have LOVED our fall this year.  It's been mid 60s to low 70s.  My power + gas bills combined for this month are under $100.  So, you can imagine my extreme glare at the window when I took my neighbor's dog out to pee at 5am and was assaulted with sleet and snow.  First of all, my babies had only stopped waking up every 20 minutes, at 3am--so I'm pretty sure I was going to be pre-disposed to being grumpy.  Secondly, it's been over 70 degrees the previous two days.  This girl is spoiled.

the older I get the grumpier I am about snow.  I need to fall in love with winter again--or  move to San Diego.

anxiety

you know that feeling.  the one where you kind of want to lock yourself in a closet, grab your knees and just rock back and forth.  or, that one where one moment everything is fine, and then 3 kids start screaming and suddenly, you're on the stairs crying, and your heart is racing, and you know this shouldn't be so hard.  you've handled this moment over and over with grace and ease, but for whatever reason this time it's just.too.much. 

some days, doing 3 loads of laundry--start to finish, getting the kids to eat 2 1/2 meals, and getting them where they need to be are a breeze.

then...then there are days where getting yourself dressed is almost too much.  the laundry piles. dirty piles. clean piles. once folded now crumpled piles. 

toys and dryer sheets and bits of ripped up toilet paper from kids playing are everywhere and your mind is simply not able to find a starting point.  and even if it could, it's echoing...what's the point?  the moment you start, they will cry. they will scream. someone will poop.

it's time to reach out for help.  Not just for someone to come and do it for you.  no, that's just a bandaid really.  the help required is from a doctor.  the help you need is modern medication, because your mind is overloaded and needs help to function. to think. to process.  it's time for me to get that help.  look around here. chaos. fear. anxiousness.  it's all unnecessary.  i've set the appointment.   the real test will be if i make it into the office.