Tomorrow I get to go in for my doctor appointment. This fact brings me relief and anxiety all at once. But the anxiety was already there. always underlying. Why is getting the kids into the car to take Ava to school such a difficult task? It's dressing. and in Simon's case sometimes redressing--2 or 3 times. It's feeding screaming babies and finding their car seats, diapers, wipes, socks, hats, toys, food. will we be gone for 20 minutes or the whole day? if i come back i could probably get something done, but chances are I won't...so maybe just staying out the whole day is really the way to go because it'll save money on gas. and what did the kids do with the stupid tickets that were in the car. i left them in there so they wouldn't get lost, and yet here I am...unable to find the tickets and the show is tonight. it wouldn't be so bad if other people werent depending on my having them. i should have mailed them off. i had better find them. i know they are in there. when can i have the time to find them? the car is such a disaster. all the time. garbage, everywhere. how can i clean it out everyday and yet the next day have another bag to fill? Why can't I have an organized clean car. other moms can do it. I can't manage to do this. I'm destroying my children living this way. allowing them to live this way. it has to end. 4 minutes. 4 minutes until loading time and I'm telling Ava for the 10th time to find her socks. socks, shoes, teeth, hair, clothes...every day these are the requests, but she seems so annoyed each day that it needs to happen. I'm her mom. sending her to school clean, groomed, smelling good. these are my job. why does she fight that?
I don't mean to sound negative, just that writing out these inner thoughts and anxieties really helps me to process them. accept them. and then pick up and move on with a smile planted on my face. because sometimes, if i smile long enough, my heart starts to feel it, and that cloud of anxiety following me around...backs off a bit.
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