This morning was stressful. As a result, I had a massive panic attack. I have to say that I'm forever grateful for a husband who understands anxiety struggles. When we were first married, I can tell you that I had no idea or understanding of "anxiety." Over the years, pregnancies etc, I've become very intimate with anxiety. I've come to understand the real, tangible, horrific feeling that it is. He helped me to find my way back to calm. The incredibly lovely day also helped me to put aside the stress and anxiety and pure panic that was overwhelming my body and mind. I'm forever grateful for the past few days of sun. The sun is so healing to my soul. I mean that in a completely sincere manner. The gray days can be equally beautiful, but I struggle with my chaos on those days. I want so much to do the "right" thing and to make the wise choices for our family. I don't ever want to be in the situation again, where we seem to have no options. Things have changed so much since June. Dramatically. Chris's graduation schedule, our pregnancy, the kids....my view on so many things. I have been told to "seek to be wise, for wisdom is better than knowledge of facts and things." This is a challenge for me, because wisdom requires so much more faith than I have most days.
I need to have faith in so many areas of life. Faith that my babies will survive the pregnancy. Faith that my body will carry them to a safe term. Faith that my mind will survive the hormones that are raging now and after the pregnancy. Faith that our finances will cover our obligations. Faith that I can really do what the Lord has chosen me to do--be a mother to 4 children under the age of 5. That's the kicker right there. Especially when I've been told point blank, that I don't' know how to be a good parent. I'm not sure I've ever been given such an incredibly hurtful comment as that. I have tried to fight it off, and rid it from my memory, but it clings there. Isn't that every mother's fear? That we aren't good enough? I only have 2 and am already failing at such an obvious level that this person felt compelled to inform me-quite bluntly-that I am a bad mother. How will I ever possibly be a good mom to 4?
I need direction. I need guidance from my Father. I know He's with me. I see the small miracles everyday. Ava and Simon playing well together. The sun shining after days of endless grey. My babies flipping around as if they are in the circus--letting me know they are there. I need to stop waiting for my "Golden Ticket" as President Uchtdorf cautioned in the RS conference.
"So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about....if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.
This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.
The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."
My golden tickets:
- The house selling...and lately just the idea of us being back in a home that is "ours"
- Chris graduating college
- Chris landing a new job that replaces my income, and I can just be "mom."
I loved this talk. It was and is a talk that speaks to my heart. "It's ok that you're not quite there yet. Keep working on it. But STOP punishing yourself....please remember also, to be compassionate and patient with yourself."