Sunday, October 30, 2011

Why am I even Awake?

The past week...maybe 10 days even have been HARD. I don't mean that every part of every day was all the awful, but all's been a reality check. Simon was breaking in a molar, and I discovered 2 ulcers in his mouth a few days ago. Thanks preschool for HF&M. We are really very fortunate, that if that's what the ulcers are from, that he contracted such a slight case. Every night, and most of the day is full of a screaming, ornery little man. Simon can be very stubborn, but this past week or so has been a whole new level. Chris and I managed to get 2-3 hours of sleep at a time each night. By Friday, I couldn't even get out of bed until 10:30. I spent most of the day in a fog. It's the first time in my pregnancy that my mind was unable to convince my body that we were up to the challenge. Saturday was not much better. I had so much that I wanted to do with my kids...including a fun carnival in our old neighborhood, but I could not get my body to cooperate. I just felt sick. weak. We managed to make it to a friend's birthday party-which was really fun, and pointed out once again, that it's time for me to step up as a mom, because Ava's 5th birthday is coming up and it should probably have a theme at the very least.
I can tell that the little guy is slowly getting better, but I'm a bit terrified that this new behavior of all out tantrums will need breaking...and I'm a little concerned that maybe I'll break first. As most moms, I hate seeing my kid in pain. I can tell the difference between an angry cry and a "I'm not feeling good and am hurt" cry. Simon has crafted the way to mix the two. It tears my heart apart to hear him cry out for me. I know giving in at every turn isn't doing either of us any favors, and so I've been praying and pleading for discernment. I can only hope that I have him back to his loving, happy self by the time the babies come.
Ava has been doing very well, considering we're 2 days to November and she's only needed a handful of breathing treatments. I don't care what you want to thank for this--essential oils I've been using, her new inhaler that we've used maybe 10 times, the warmer fall, my endless prayers, maybe it's one maybe it's all...I just love that so far, other than a yucky cough at night, and a cold that caused missing 3 days of school, she's been doing really really well. I hope this continues.
My moment of .......breaking(??) comes when the idea of Ava getting really sick, Simon having nightmares and pain, and the twins needing me all at once. Ava and Simon LOVE and ADORE their daddy...don't get me wrong, but Ava is so dependent and used to me being her comforter. It's always been my internal feeling that Chris has work and school and the pressures and anxiety of leading the family, that I get up with the kids. I wake him when I feel I can't handle it on my own, or when Simon is really angry with me and decides he wants to scream at daddy too. Usually, he's awake but not really there, and has no memory of ever being up. He has been really stepping up lately, trying to train himself to be ready to be alert at any odd hour, and I will say he's coming along nicely, but honestly, he's been trained not to have to be awake. This will clearly be just another massive adjustment for our family.
We've had zero activity on our house in the past month. We cut the price. We found a program that Clearfield City will pay $5000 in a down payment assistance program, but still nothing.

All these things keep me up at night. And when they don't, the heartburn and gas do. As much as I see the works of my Father in Heaven throughout the day--especially with my kids--I feel so disconnected lately. So without direction. Day to day I have His help. This is indisputable, but where to go from here? That step into the darkness....the "will" I have to put forward terrifies me so often. I pray that whatever direction we go, that people know we are only doing what we feel to be best for our little family. We want so much to make the right choices for our family. We want so much to have peace. Don't we all?

1 comment:

Becky said...

I gave you an award on my blog today!

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