Thursday, July 24, 2008

Journal Entries...yes that's right

I just want to clarify a few things about this family "blog." It is first, and foremost a family journal. I have never been good at keeping a hand written journal, as my hands cramp crazily, and pen/pencil smears all over my hand since I'm a lefty. Also, with Ava being a lover of all things draw related, if I kept one hand written, it would soon be illegible and covered in colorful swirls--compliments of her great artistic vision. I realize, of course, that being an open to public "blog," that there will be some people reading this that I know...and oddly some people reading this that I don't. It's a tad out of my comfort zone--but the way things are.

Lately, it has come to my attention that due to its public nature, I need to be cautious about my journaling. That sounds so bizzare to me. Isn't the point of having a journal, so that one may reflect upon circumstances--all encompassing of action, emotion, thoughts etc? I take this time to state--that if I choose to continue this family journal, that I will not be editing out thoughts, emotions, actions etc in hopes of never hurting feelings. The #1 issue lately is that of my pregnancy. Yes, I posted it here, without calling family and friends--but 2 miscarriages in a row, can make telling people directly about a pregnancy difficult...somehow knowing that I can write online about a miscarriage--and my feelings, knowing I don't have to hear or watch someone else's reaction to it, is easier. I don't need another person's reaction to the death of my be honest. And thus, I chose not to share this information personally until I was ready. I was not wanting to start telling people until I could SEE the baby-or at least until I had my quant levels-to be sure the baby was growing, but by then it was too late. However, due to people reading this and spreading the news on my behalf, family and friends have been hurt and don't understand my view. I apologize if you're hurt--but really, my pregnancy is none of your business until I make it your business. Maybe that's a rude, harsh thing to say...but it's the way that I feel honestly. Instead of my family being excited about us being pregnant-and so far STAYING pregnant, they are hurt...and that's just so odd to me.
Also, by expressing my thoughts on one family...and the children, does not demean every other kid and family that Ava plays with. I don't understand how or why I'm even in this scenario that I presently have found myself drowning in, or why I should have to explain this...but apparently I do. I've lived here almost 3 years, and yet have found myself strangely...alone. Mostly, it's my fault. I haven't had the gumption to go out and make friends. Angie and Matt were the first family that we really connected with, and in all honesty, I owe our friendship to Matt. He came over day after day...or waved for us to come over day after day and broke through our shyness. We love Madison-their daughter, and she has been a sister to Ava. She's helped to teach her sharing, words, walking...everything. This is the first year that I've actually had almost daily interactions with Angie and gotten to really know her. She's funny, and sweet and I love her. She really has been grounding to me...if that makes any sense. Hilary has made several attempts to befriend us, and it hasn't really been since this past summer, that I finally had the guts to be her friend. I'm still not that great of one...and am still struggling with my shyness, but I feel much more comfortable these days with her--and yes, I love her children. Why my growing friendship with that family has to threaten all others is something that I simply do not understand. I'm so beyond confused here, and that's why this entry is so jumbled. If you don't like the tone which I use to write, or my verbiage, or that you're not featured...stop reading. It's that simple. Instead of using my posts to spread rumors, and to break down friendships that I have really struggled to create, just don't read. I am so incredibly hurt that someone whom I considered a friend would do that. What joy and justification could someone possibly get out of hurting friendships??
I don't mean to burn bridges, but I felt I needed to be clear. This is a family journal--I will be better at journaling some days than others...and I will not always be in a rational writing mode--that's me though. Anyway--until next time--


Blackeyedsue said...

(((HUGS)))I am so sorry about whatever happened. That is the hard part about blogging and writing in general. People tend to take things out of context. It sounds like it has been an emotional couple of days. Is there anything I can do to make your life a little bit easier? I am really good at picking out paint colors. ;)

You are an amazing woman Deb, don't let this get you down for too long.

But hey, if you want to fall in love with my kids and post them on here, feel free. (just don't use my last name)

By-the-way, you are linked up on my blog now.

Bilary said...

I left you a message yesterday. I'm worried about you - are you okay? Can I do anything for you? I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Just want you to know I am thinking about you! Stephanie is actually the one who saw this post and she came down here to tell me to read it (I wasn't answering my phone cuz my sister was cutting my hair - wahoo!!) Anyway, she was really worried and wanted me to know you were upset about something. We both really care about you and are worried about you!

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